Diluc x Ben Shapiro Oneshot

CHAPTER 1 - A Mysterious 7ft Face

Diluc had missed Kaeya, it had been one year and 7 hours since he had spent a full day with him, between work, and Kaeya taking day trips to mars, they just didn't have the time for each other anymore. But Diluc was ready to move on. He took a deep breath as he signed back into ChristianMingle.com. He took a sip of his perfectly crafted coffee that Childe had made for him, but almost spit it out when he came across the profile... the perfect man. His name? Ben Shapiro. He was a "7 ft tall", newscaster-politician crossover event that made Diluc weak in the knees. He could barely barely swipe right fast enough. (idk how ChristainMingle.com works)

11:57 PM

Diluc Ragnvindr: Hey hottie,

I thought you were... pretty

attractive to say the least.

Ben Shapiro: Oh em gee...Shapiro

was thinking the same about

u... with that low ponytail ʕ◉ᴥ◉ʔ (｡・//ε//・｡)

Diluc Ragnvindr: Wow... maybe

you could touch it sometime?

Ben Shapiro: Shapiro would love

that, babe. Shapiro bets it feels

like hay, it looks so dry (*'∀'*)

Diluc Ragnvindr: I can't believe this...

How are you so right all the time??

I love that quality in a man

Ben Shapiro: Shapiro nose u do. >-<

Diluc Ragnvindr: How about we

hang out sometime? Maybe

get to know each other...

plus a little more? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Ben Shapiro: Shapiro's not gay,

however, hypothetically,

for the sake of the argument,

Shapiro could never refuse

an offer like that. (♥ω♥*)

12:30 AM

Ben Shapiro: PLEASE SEND NUDES (ಠ益ಠ)

Diluc Ragnvindr: Anything for

you baby

*photo attached*

Ben Shapiro: Woah! ┌╏ º □ º ╏┐

Shapiro has never seen

such detailed embroidery

on a coat in a nude before

in his life! <3

Diluc put his phone down, flustered. He had never met someone like this before. Not even Kaeya, his husband and father of several years. Ben Shapiro is so... perfect. His little weasel eyes and greasy hair compliment his square head so perfectly. Diluc didn't quite understand how Ben Shapiro talked in the third person, or why exactly, but he knew he would be pleasantly surprised.

The next morning, Diluc walked his daily commute to the retirement home. Along the way he couldn't believe his eyes. He spotted him... his dream man... across the street!

Reality seemed to stop as they locked eyes. Diluc: the confident, big man that he was, and Ben Shapiro: a small weasel man who looked very nervous to be seeing him. He wasn't quite 7ft tall, but Diluc could look past that.

He couldn't help but cross the street. Each step he took to Ben Shapiro was a new piece of life growing inside of him. The moment Ben spoke was the moment Diluc knew he was in love. Ben Shapiro said, "uh, uh, uh, uh, Sh-sh-shabi-bity-bap-scoot-sha-pipipiro...."

DILUC WAS IN LOVE. The moment he looked at Shapiro he felt something growing inside him. Some could say it was butterflies, others would say he was pregnant, but it didn't matter.

He looked into the storm grate and saw Pennywise, the sewer cat! The cat looked like a cheshire and climbed out of the sewer and said in a voice not so different to Hifumi from Danganronpa, "I see you two have fallen in love, but the price is never so free to be in a love such as thee, heheehheuhuhu"

He disappeared into the sewer, leaving Diluc and Ben Shapiro very confused. Diluc embraced Ben Shapiro and kissed him straight on the lips. He saw Ben Shapiro look down at his clothing and blush. Diluc normally would have thought this was too soon. They hadn't even been on a first date yet! But he knew, deep in his heart, That Ben Shapiro was going to be the man that he would marry. Ben Shapiro would be the man that he was going to spend the rest of his life with, make a life with, buy a house, have children, which probably would be coming sooner rather than later (if you get my drift).

Ben Shapiro felt like the perfect tradhusband to Diluc. Diluc Grabbed Ben Shapiro's arms.

"Ben, Shapiro, I think I am deeply enthralled with you." Ben Shapiro blushed and looked away.

"Shapiro thinks maybe he should die in Diluc arms."

He posed to Ben Shapiro, "Would you, a lucky Shapiro boy, join me in marriage with my husband, Kaeya, Childe, and Zhongli and my father, Kyla, Childe, and Zhongli, and you can leave your wife, Classically Abby, and your sister, Classically Abby!"

"When you're not incoherently babbling about illegal immegration and the supposed pay gap, Shapiro thinks you're very kawaii " Ben Shapiro said as confidently as he could, "Feelings have overtaken the facts for the first time."

"I'm so glad!" Diluc screeched.

Ben Shapiro and Diluc embraced on the street and engaged in the Devil's Tango. Diluc knew literally everyone could see them because he was quite literally butt naked, Ben Shapiro was fully clothed, in the middle of traffic, but he didn't mind. The only thing on his mind was the rat face of his lover in front of him. He rarely felt embarrassed and Ben Shapiro seemed to feel the same. Diluc and Ben Shapiro always knew how to have a good time, Diluc could tell even on the first time they met.

Diluc lifted off of Ben Shapiro's slimy body (don't worry he was always like that) and felt like he was finally free. He raced to the retirement home (still naked,) to confront Keaya about the exciting news. His heart felt the most alive it had in years, he felt a sharp pain in his chest, he thought it was because of the love pains he felt, he had betrayed his wife and kids by deciding to add Ben Shapiro into his life, or it was the knife that was thrown into his chest at that moment. The knife made his heart feel the most dead it had been in years.

Diluc was running out of time, Ben Shapiro looked at him in horror, but Diluc had to get to the retirement home. The blood was draining out of him, but he had just enough life in him to push open the door.

As soon as he did, he heard the familiar sound of Keaya's eyepatch being ripped off, and Diluc ran for cover. Diluc dived into the front door of the retirement home. In an instant, the whole universe outside of the retirement home was incinerated. Keaya must have been protecting him, and potentially Childe and Zhongli, Diluc was saddened. He now had no one else, not Kaeya, not Childe, and not Zhingles (Diluc's little nickname for Zhongli), and not even Ben Shapiro! He spotted Male Traveler across the way and walked toward him.

Seeing him cry there Diluc thought back to Ben Shapiro and began to cry. "Ben Shapiro..."

He felt yet another stab in his chest. He fell to the floor and looked back on all of his regrets in life. Maybe everything would have been better if he stood by Kia Soul all those years? Maybe if he only realized that he would be happier if he protected everyone just a bit better. Maybe if Zhongli didn't get shingles everything would have been fine? And maybe if he had never bought Childe that .99 cent coffee machine, he wouldn't have joined a cult.

His consciousness melted away, staring into the emotionless eyes of Male Traveler. The last thought on his mind was how Ben Shapiro looked like Ted Bundy in the strangest way...