sailing miles away // tomokazu

15. because you don't know

the sunrise bathed the field in warm shades of red and gold, turning the sky pink at the horizon.

kazuha's back was tensed, but his heart was in peace.

any time, the sky could shatter above them and shower the ground with thunders. any time, an assassin could strike from around the rocky surface of towering mountains and have their lives extinguished like candles.

but what fueled the peace in his heart was the cold breeze slowly edging towards warmth, and the sound of two feet following him to the nearby place, away from the camp, away from anyone's questions and curious eyes.

only them, and the memory.

them, and those two broken swords aided by the virtue of something that wasn't even their persistence. even if it was this persistence that led them up until now.

wasn't it for his stubbornness and foolish hope, kazuha wouldn't have turned around now to see tomo in one piece, staring at him with a tinge of concern and a tinge of curiosity. wasn't it for all they have been through, kazuha wouldn't be able to stare at him so confidently when he rose his sword above.

"if i win," he spoke. "you're officially entitled to grant me three wishes."

tomo clicked his tongue, "win three times to have three wishes. don't get too far ahead of yourself. besides, what if you lose?"

"then you'll have your wishes."

"hmm. okay then."

kazuha swallowed down, anticipation surging through his chest and filling his stomach with butterflies.

their swords clashed.

there were words out there in the dictionary of people from far away that would be able to describe the kind of deadly dance they performed, but kazuha forgot what language that was. shit, kazuha quickly forgot the sound of his own voice. two swords clashed and flew through the air, two shoulders brushing as the wind hurried through their hair. tomo was taller and stronger, but kazuha was faster and nimble. tomo turned to the right, kazuha fled to the left. one step forward, one step back. they mirrored each other the way soulmates would.

or, if the soulmates were just a figment of imagination coming from those who believed in fated love, the two of them mirrored each other like those who have learnt to train stepping over each other's mistake.

tomo didn't blink. he didn't dare.

suddenly he stopped and his sword fell out of his hand. kazuha's blade stopped right over his neck.

they were breathing hard into the early morning, two heartbeats accelerating to meet the eons of time passed by like a gentle breeze. kazuha's eyes were filled with tears.

tomo swallowed down, "why are you crying?"

"because you don't know."

"i'm... no, i don't."

kazuha smiled, "would you believe me if i said you're beautiful?"

tomo's eyes widened in surprise so evident it would be a miracle if he could ever recover. kazuha only smiled on like it didn't hurt, even if it did. even if it felt like his bones were burnt down to ashes, but his heart was still in peace because he supposed he didn't get to care anymore.

"all of you," he whisper-sobbed quietly with his sword still at tomo's throat, "is so perfect it makes me angry. when you move it's like you were born to glow. when you smile it's like the whole world stops to watch. when you scrunch your eyebrows and think on something so strongly, it makes it seem like there's actually some brain in your head, even though you're so darn stupid. hundreds of thousands of times i saw you dig your own grave. hundreds of not thousand of times i have clashed this sword with yours. and you don't know. you don't know any of this. but it's standing right in front of you along with all our reasons why. tomo," kazuha laughed bitterly, "can you believe me when i say we once stood on this exact file and promised each other eternity?"

tomo stood frozen in place. the tip of kazuha's sword scratched his throat as his wrist shook. he saw the gentle face of the young boy before him flood with tears. they dropped from his face continuously, but tomo didn't know.

he didn't know.

but it was those tears that had his heart race a little faster, and those tears that had him rise his hand to lower kazuha's blade. the sword soon fell from his hand and clashed against tomo's once more; both laying abandoned on the ground.

kazuha was trembling all over.

he realised only after the silence took his breath away that tomo would not give him the answer. even if he wanted to believe, he wouldn't know how to. even if a piece of him broke at the sight of kazuha crying, he wouldn't understand. and because he didn't understand, he couldn't move. he could only watch it all with both anxiety and awkwardness, as well as guilt of unknown origins splashing at him in rivulets.

tomo was simply unable to give him any answers.

and kazuha understood that with finality then felt like their final unshed goodbye.

"kazuha, i—"

"no," kazuha interrupted him. "don't say a word. forget it."

"forget it?" tomo scowled. "you'd think i already forgot a lot of crucial details and yet you want me to forget more?"

"you know it's not that."

"i don't. i genuinely don't know. i don't know anything and you just keep plunging me into this mess like there's not enough of it in my head already."

"i'm sorry."

"no," tomo's voice rose up. it was a slight difference, but a difference nevertheless. his usually calm, deep voice took on a eerie shadow when he overlapped it with anger. and it made kazuha freeze. "you're not sorry, but i should be. i guess so, at least. i don't fucking know. and you know why? because it's all so fucking stupid."

"you asked me to... help you bring your memories..."

"fuck, yes i did! and i know you're doing just that. but do you know what makes me angry the most? it's the fact that you're trying and i keep feeling like an absolute blind idiot and can't fucking seem to anchor my mind anywhere and it's not a fucking easy peasy job to watch you suffer because i'm simply not who i used to be if i ever even existed before. because i begin to think— what are you doing?"

kazuha didn't say a word. with his hand going inside his own robes, he pulled out a little leather bag. tomo's confusion infused the silence as kazuha slowly extended his shaky hand.

tomo blinked up at him, "what are you doing so suddenly— what is this?"

kazuha bit hard into his lower lip, "i was scared."

"huh?"

"at first i was scared to give it to you. everyone said to take it slow... because we don't know... well, no one really knows how you'd react but..."

"what are you talking about?"

"tomo," kazuha whispered. "i—"

"KAZUHA? TOMO?"

both of them recoiled violently as if slapped across the face. the bag kazuha was holding fell to the ground, resting against two abandoned swords. and from afar, a figure of a blonde man jogged towards them.

as he got nearer, aether looked significantly running out of breath. panting and with his face flushed, he bent slightly as he stopped before them.

"we got a letter," he blurted out. "from sangonomiya kokomi just now... urgent... the shogun... come with me."

and without any respect to the crucial moment that was shattered, all three of them gathered their things and ran back to the camp.