thoughts that consist of you, a look into my notes

entry III

CW- thoughts of unrequited love, swearing

||

i don't wanna miss you. actually, i never did. i never wanted to have you on my mind and never wanted to go through these feelings again. this is the end of it, right? end of us? we gave it 5 try's; ok, maybe it didn't work each and every time but every time you came back and every time you ended it. i don't get it. it was a repeat of the same situation and my gut kind of wants it to happen again. fuck, i want you. i don't wanna want you, but that just doesn't make sense, does it? if you read
this would you be mad? well fuck, i might as well say you're name [redacted]. i have no clue why i've been craving to tell you how i feel, even though i've done it, there's so much you don't know but don't even care to know. but i wished you cared like you used to. when you'd apologize for answering a message a bit too late, when there was some happiness when i talked | to you and when i was just near you. but that isn't possible anymore. or is it? or do you still have feelings for me? do you still wanna be with me and do you wanna be mine? i know you don't but sometimes i just wish you would. fuck me. fuck this stupid feeling i keep feeling; love, damnit, the most stupid feeling possible and i don't get it. after you my feelings went jumbled and my mind went coo coo. you've been on my mind since the beginning; the look of you is addicting and your smile is a drug. your laugh makes me happy and god your voice drives me crazy. this sounds like some dumbass cheesy shit but you're so perfect, at least to me, but that's quite ironic. i regret you. i regret us, i regret this, i regret all this stupid shit you did to me. i miss you; every second it feels you won't leave my mind. the funny part about all this is im typing it without thinking. it comes from a part of me i don't understand. a part full of anxiety and pain, full of hurt and trauma. you hurt me. you hurt me. you fucking hurt me so bad i'm stuck on you. clung onto this image from the past that was who i fell in love with. after the whore thing, after all the comments, after all the things you did i still thought you were that person. i'm so fucking stupid. you hate me. you hate me so much and it's sad because even i know it all. but you bring me comfort in my peripheral view, you make me happy just by seeing you, anything revolving around you makes my heart happy. my mind is addicted to it all.
fuck you.
fuck off.
i hate you.
actually,
stay,
just for a minute.