LIABILITIES

Chapter One - Reset, Rose

HADLEY

People always says that life is about the winding roads and the roller coasters.
It's about the rush of the loop-the-loops and the adrenaline after agony. It's about that feeling of power after destruction and the ease in your chest after that sigh of relief. Notice how the euphoria is always after the sorrow. 'We need love to hurt and heal.' 'We make mistakes then learn from them.' 'we need to experience pain to live life to the fullest!' people say.
But how do people expect me to believe that when I've never felt the 'after'? What if I haven't felt the rush? Or the Adrenaline and relief? What if I've only ever felt the 'before'?The vertigo of winding roads and the sickness from hanging upside down for so long. What if I've only ever felt the pain of complete destruction? Then, people also question why you don't face the 'befores' when you know the 'afters' will soon follow after. Because we all NEED the 'afters' to live! You just gotta be patient, right? You just gotta 'be strong'. Wait it out, they say. If you want the 'afters' that is all you have to do.
'It is so simple.'
But my answer is simply this - I don't. I don't need it.

I don't need the rush. I don't need the morphine-fix and the respite. However; want and need are two very different things. Maybe I do want the love and the surge and the alleviation.
But you're telling me that in order to attain those things I need to be in complete and utter suffering?
Absolutely fucking not.

- - -

I lie in my bed with my ivory eyes closed, facing the ceiling. I'm trying to focus my thoughts on the word 'black' or sometimes 'darkness' because I heard once that when you try and meditate, you need to think of nothingness. This has never really worked for me. Surely if you think of the word 'nothingness' then you're going to picture a scene of a blackhole and ripples through the atmosphere and eerie space. So, I use the words 'black' and 'darkness' because at least they're just colours. At least they'll give my mind a better chance of just - shutting off. My long onyx hair lays behind me, pin straight as per usual, and flows down to the small of my back. I can feel small strands tickling the back of my neck - snap out of it, you're supposed to be thinking of black I think to myself, but then more thoughts slowly flow in and an electronic ringing brings me back to reality. My phone vibrates and the word 'Jennifer' lights up the screen bright white and I can feel my face instantly scowl, without even meaning to - it's only been ten minutes since my mother last called.
What now?

"Is there a reason you're calling me from downstairs, for the second time today, might I add?" I say, slamming my phone against my ear.
"I want you in my office, now." Her voice is straining to get through her gritted teeth.
I sigh and weigh up my options. I could either stay up here and get dragged down which I'd give it about four minutes or I could just go and get whatever this is over with.

I walk out of my bedroom and down the hall which has a window for a wall on one side, overlooking New York City. Our apartment block has many many stories and we happen to be on one of the highest levels - good job I'm not afraid of heights. Our apartment is one of the nicer few in the city, so I have to walk down two small flights of stairs before I reach my mothers office that lies adjacent to the living space no one uses. It's a big apartment for two people who rarely speak. As I walk closer to her office door I can hear her talking in an unusually happy voice, but I can tell that there is a trace of stress that runs throughout her tone.

"Yes! That would be perfect." She shoots daggers at me the minute she sees me standing in her doorway. "Yes, she's just walked through the door. Of course, she'll rethink her decision."
Decision?
"Of course! Thank you so much, Sir. Hadley-Rose will see you tomorrow."

She finishes her phone call and hangs up using her index finger ever so slowly, glaring at her screen. Tomorrow? Her eyes start at the floor, then move from my feet all 154 centimeters up to my eyes hanging over every flaw that stands out to her along the way. I think I've pissed her off.