thoughts on paper

too many thoughts and big words

my neck must be the most powerful one in the world to me able to keep my heavy, thought-filled head upon my tired shoulders. it is a burden to carry so much. I'm surprised I haven't fallen under the weight of my thoughts.

some of my thoughts are so loud and obnoxious that they jump to the front of the line and accidentally become words spoken on my tongue in a fit of anxious energy.

some of my thoughts linger in my mind like a damp fog, not imposing any harm and yet not causing any sort of light. they just ominously float in my brain, waiting for something to blow them away. 

I especially enjoy the random thoughts of curiosity and the motivation to pursue the curiosity further, on those days I thank my head for it's absolutely glorious mess.

however, as good as those are, they are rare and fleeting, and usually followed by a wave of nauseous angered thinking. anger toward nothing and no one. hate towards the extra noises in the background and rage for the silence being way too loud.

there is also the crippling despair that creeps up slowly. like an inescapable slug of misery, slinking through my mind. it has no objective other than to keep me rooted to my bed and constantly replay the most embarrassing and guilty memories until my stomach clenches with shame and disgust.

but out of all the different notions, the worse by far are the quiet whispers that seem to evaporate right after they appear. thoughts that simply come into my head just to stab me with a critical knife, and take off without a trace, leaving me to somehow clean the bloody self hatred splattered all over the walls of my mind.

and as a sit here with a smile that doesn't reach my eyes, I wonder how many people around me are cleaning the bloody walls of their own minds.

I wonder how many more lifeless smiles I can endure before the thoughts in my head finally take over and I am noting but an empty shell of self loathing and misery.

my neck must be the most powerful one in the world to me able to keep my heavy thought-filled head upon my tired shoulders. it is a burden to carry so much. I'm surprised I haven't fallen under the weight of my mind.