Current Situation

4 0 0
                                    

Just four more years. Just four more years and then I'm gone. I'm off to college. I'm out of this house. Away from this family. Away from all the drugs. Just. Four. More. Years.

Reason I am repeating this to myself so I don't cry:

Apparently the PUA (Pandemic Unemployment Assistance) has just given my mom $25,000. A lot of money I know. I don't really know if it's real or not or what but there's $25,000 in the account but we can't get to it.

Because my mother doesn't remember the pin number for the card and it won't let her change it. So she rushed me out of the house with her to try and get the money out of the bank without successfully changing the pin number.

Now my mother is not very tech savvy. So I'm trying to help her and I got yelled at. She kept telling me to change the password when in reality she wanted me to change the pin and once I realized that I tried it and it wasn't working.

And I was trying to explain it to her and help her and I got yelled at for "talking back". Now my mother relies on me for everything. Whether it's something to do with tech or keeping her awake behind to wheel so she doesn't get into yet another car accident.

But as she explained it, I have to be more gentle with her. In her own words: Instead of saying "but Momma" "but Momma" say "okay, Momma" "okay, Momma".

For anyone who doesn't know, I'm 14 years old and I just started my freshman year of high school. I am in a Vocational school which, for anyone who doesn't know what that is, is a school where I do both academics and hands on Career classes.

Example: I want to part take in Early Childhood so if I get good enough grades in my academics and Exploritory classes I'll most likely get my choice and if I do I'll be actually working with little kids.

Exploritory is just the first four months I partake in 15 other Career classes just to get a glimpse of what that would be like so if I changed my mind I would know what other thing I would want to pursue.

Now saying all that to get into a Vocational school you need to have good grades, good behavior and good attendance. Speaking towards me, I have been on the honor roll since I was in kindergarten. My grandmother made a book of all my certificates to prove it.

I don't talk back or argue or misbehave or do anything wrong. In all my life I've never been punished. I mean my grandmothers smacked me across my face but that's a whole other story.

Point is I'm a good kid and all I've done my entire life is help everyone. Everywhere I go everyone I live with I help someone with something. With my grandmother I helped her with her phone and helped take care of my little brother and even my little cousin when I lived with her.

With my old foster mom I helped her bring in the groceries and put stuff away and tried my best to keep as much stress off of her as possible.

With my dad I tried to stay away from him most of the time but I spent the majority of the two and a half year with his wife. We would do arts and crafts together and she would vent to me I would vent to her. All was good.

With my mom it's everything. I help her with groceries and tech stuff and help her when we have visits with my little brother. I help her stay awake I help her with her card stuff and everything in between.

But then two seconds after I help her she cries that no one helps her do anything. And if I don't want to go into the store with her to get three things then I'm a spoiled brat. And when I'm trying to help her I get yelled at for stressing her out.

Everyone thinks I know everything. But I don't. I'm a 14 year old girl who's going the wrong way to class and doing homework till 5 and falling asleep at 7. And sleeping is a problem for me. I usually have to take melatonin for me to have a peaceful sleep. But I'm falling asleep early because I'm stressed.

But nobody sees that. Nobody understands my stress. At least not when it matters. When we're driving around not doing anything then my stress and anxiety is understood. When they're stressed my stress doesn't matter. My social anxiety is always a joke.

Everyone says "oh you'll make friends" but I won't and I won't because I don't even have the confidence to ask the store employee to get the Funko Pop that I want because it's on a shelf I can't reach.

Everyday I have to stress about my mom's boyfriend being here because he's not supposed to be and if DCF (Department of Child and Families) found out he was anywhere near me I would get taken away for the last time. My mom doesn't get another chance. She would lose me and my brother to the system for good.

And if that happens that gives me two options, possibly going back to my old foster mom if they'll allow it and if not bounce house to house for the next 4 years.

That's the only reason I don't say anything. I need to make this as best as I can because if I don't my life falls apart all over again and imy just starting to pick it up. I have to make these next four years comfortable enough for me to push through.

I need to get good grades in school so that I have a good chance if getting any college I apply to which will be the farthest one from my family. It'll hurt to leave my brothers but I have to.

My older brother is 27 and he can't keep relying on me when he has problems with his girlfriend because he doesn't like sleeping in his house alone. I have little faith in my mom getting my little brother out of the system.

I'm all alone. I don't have to cousin to run to because she's miles away from me and her phone is broken. Hopefully we get into the same college so we can live out our plan.

Get through college, get a house together and just be us again. The cousins who have been best friends our entire life, who have a major Marvel obsession and just want to escape the cruel lives we've been given.

So in order to hold back my tears and make everyone around me think I'm doing amazing. I repeat in my head: Just four more years. Just push through for four. More. Years.

ThoughtsWhere stories live. Discover now