HAZE

CHAPTER 11

LOVE AND LOSS

Nana had passed the stage of shock, and it was slowly dawning on her that her grandmother was no more. The events of the last few months came rushing back into her mind. She always called her grandmother daily at any time of her choosing. Then one day, her grandmother called and asked her to be calling her specifically on Wednesdays. It was the only day that was not filled with medical appointments. Nana didn't question as she knew how much of an academician her grandmother could be; she assumed she probably didn't want her to miss any classes.

After a while, even those Wednesday calls became less and far in between. Then she received a message that she shouldn't go home for the holidays because her grandmother was at her aunt's, something suspicious since they weren't that close to begin with.

As she sat on that rock, tears of hopelessness rolled down her cheeks. She was the closest to her, and she didn't even know her illness had gotten worse and that she was on her deathbed. Death, such a lonely and private matter that all others, however loving, could only be observers. But in this case, Nana wasn't even an observer.

Her grandmother, Nyaga, had a liver tumour, and the doctors had said they could easily treat it after surgery. Her grandmother was a strong woman and agreed to have the surgery done. Nana knew vaguely about this surgery as it was happening at the same time she had exams. As was the norm, her grandmother demanded that she focus on her education and not her old self.

She was then told her grandmother was okay, but she wasn't, this forced a second surgery to be performed, but things only got worse as the tumour had eaten a better part of her liver. She started becoming weak as the days went by. Finally, Nana's aunt, who was a doctor, took her in for constant observation.

One day, her grandmother called her aunt in the middle of the night and asked her to take her to a seat outside. She tried resisting and talking sense into her, but there was no lesson sufficient to handle a stubborn old mother. She got the phone for her and called Nana. She didn't pick the call and later came to find a voicemail which said:

"Nana, I haven't told you this in a while, but I love you. You are the centerpiece of my heart. Never forget that. Goodnight baby."

That had been the last piece of herself that her grandmother gave her. It was a mere few words, but to her, they held the greatest value.

She placed the phone in her chest, sipped her coffee until it was over, and then lay back on the chair to rest. The night was not pitch black; it was slightly cloudy with occasional winds that caused a warm breeze to blow around her. The trees were swaying, and the village was asleep. She thought about her life, how being the eldest in the family of eight, and the responsibility it came with being a firstborn shaped her into who she was. She remembered singing her siblings to sleep and taking the blame for all their mistakes, a huge price to pay for popping out of the belly the first one. Then, when she was eighteen, she had her first boyfriend. His name was Ngarite or something. She chuckled when she remembered him saying he cannot eat or sleep without talking to her; the poor guy must have died of starvation or sleep deprivation.

She finally left home to start a family of her own. He married Mateo. A man she was convinced was the most handsome, charming, and caring man in the world. She made a lifetime of memories with him. He made her feel like she is the most beautiful and special woman in the world. She chuckled at the thought of how much he would do to impress her.

When she was young, she loved all types of sauce accompaniments in her food. Her husband hated it, and she knew. But then, he would take her to this restaurant that offered sauce accompaniment to food. He would then pick the side with hot sauce, sweet sauce, or chilli sauce and feed her. When she asked why he wasn't eating, he said he was feeding her, and she should be satisfied first. Deep down, she knew he hated sauced food, but because he sacrificed to see her happy, she would eat all the food to not make him eat them. When he passed on, she sat next to his coffin, rigid, mute and devastated, trying to grapple with the enormity of her loss and the magnitude of her loneliness. Her happy ending did not last to ever after.