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When I was younger I wanted to be a ballet dancer.
I took ballet lessons from the age of 3 to 19, I was hella passionate about that shit like I wanted to be the first girl out my hood to become a ballet dancer.
I was a big bitch back then, to other people I would be seen as fat but I was more thick and curvy than fat. Ma used to always tell me that if I was an animal the lions and tigers would save me for a special occasion.
I always been athletic, everyone starts from just racing to the streetlight on the corner in the hood. So yeah I was chunky but I was athletic so a different typa chunk, you know.
Anyway the other kids in my school would laugh when I told them I wanted to be a prima ballerina, they'd tell me that shit was for white girls. But my Ma was so supportive of my dreams, and even if she went hungry she was determined to make sure my lessons was paid for. I took that shit for granted, looking back on it now.
My world partially shattered when ma died though. I was sixteen at the time and cause my ma didn't have a good relationship with the rest of her family, none of them were willing to take me in so I became a child of the system. Luckily it was only for two years, until I turned 18. I got a job working as a barista in Starbucks and I was determined not to let my ma down. I continued paying for my dream out of my own pocket, basically every pay check I got went towards them lessons. I ain't even have a phone until I was bout 19 years old!
But that dream was trashed the morning I auditioned for The American Ballet Theatre. I was ready to do it. I tied my hair up in them tiny tight ass buns they be having. I had put on my newly purchased leotard, tights and my trusted pair of ballet shoes and when I had arrived there I was confident. Head held high. Reminding myself to make my ma proud.
Yes I was the only black girl auditioning but I had expected that. All my years of investment into this dream had led up to this moment. I had practised and practised and I just knew I would perform great.
And I did.
Every move, every gesture, every beat, I hit it. I remembered all my training. And when I was finished. I received the highest scores.
But when it came to the elimination, my name was called.
The old, fat and wrinkly white woman judging, with wisps of grey hair and small thick lensed eyeglasses came up to my face and sneered at me,
"Your dancing was beautiful, but you are too big for ballet. You will never make it as a dancer. Girls of your shade and size are more suited for gentleman's clubs, not for the ballet industry."
Silence. It was fucking crickets. I remember blinking, nodding and her moving on to the next person.
I didn't even object, I made no plea, put up nothing of a fight.
