Colors ( Completed)

chapter. 2

Luckily when I woke up the next morning he didn’t change at all. He had the same warm smile as the night before. I didn’t live a lie. I was glad.

My day goes by with Ava chattering. She was always so noisy. She cares about things that don’t matter to me; I don’t think it would ever matter and the day passes by and it was almost time to go home.

I get on a motorbike and wave Ava farewell. I wish I couldn’t go back, I wish my class was a bit longer.
After a few min of the ride, I felt it was hard to ride and for a sec I was afraid if my long skin grew again, or whether it was thicker this time. So, I stop riding and got down to see an airless tire.

“ ah I’m too tired to drag this now”

I didn’t want to leave it there. It was precious to me. Something I bought for myself that filled me with joy, I had never known. I long for such joy. I want to cling to it with my whole might.

So I drag it back to school which I thought is probably a good idea the gate will be locked at 8 and the area is covered with surveillance. So nobody will steal it, it's not like it's worth anything so I leave it there and head out.
As I try to walk Mr. James pulls over.

“Aren’t you late?”

“ No sir, I was just leaving”

“It’s okay I will drop you”

I was scared to get in. but, I couldn’t refuse someone again who I owed so much. I just hope it wouldn’t be a bad human.

“How was your day?” he asks with his smile again. I wonder what the story behind his sweet smile is  "I grew up in the same neighborhood as you as well; when I was small there was a huge tree in the yard of our school now it’s gone. Back then, whenever I was lonely I used to climb on that tree and sit as long I could” his eyes seems sadder than usual " I don’t know why am I telling you this if maybe you would climb too”

“what made you lonely?”

“Well, I don’t know if I should say this, but I wasn’t needed. It was just a mistake
And hence, I was always homesick to be somewhere else.”

“Mistake?”

“Umm I’m the first child of my parents and my mother didn’t need me back then, she couldn’t physically hurt me ever, but it’s not like she didn’t. But, it was different for my little brother. He was born after few years than me, I grew up quickly and I was glad he was there since it’s hard to communicate with my mother without him. so he holds closer.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know how it must feel,” I said almost teary.

“I’m sure you know,” he said with a reassuring smile, “ and here we are”

“t-thank you”

“let's chat some more next time, see ya kiddo”

What’s up with him? Is he being nice just to deal with past trauma? I must look like his old self for him.

I open the gate and get in. I see him and my blood freezes.

He was drunk and he seemed as if he was struck by lightning. He asked me in his loud and stern voice, “who was that?”

Why would he care? It wasn’t like he cared when and with whom I came home until now, why was he being my father now?

I pass avoiding him; he grabs my hand drags me in front of him. My hands hurt it hurts so badly but I don’t want to show him I’m scared, I don’t want him to see me weak. I hate my hands for always giving me away.

“Where is the money?”

“What money?” I ask while trying to get myself free from his grip only to him hold me harder.

“Aren’t you selling yourself? Where do you work? How do you have money for school now?”

I was surprised he knew that I do go to school. But I had to get away from him I don’t have money now to give him to make him silent.

“I don’t have money,” I say sternly

“Don’t lie! You brat”

He slaps me which makes me fall and bang my head to the wall.  I’m scared, sometimes I want to be weak and look up to have someone to hold me. As pleasing it sounds it doesn’thappen and I needed to be strong and move away now, no matter how hard I couldn't move. I told myself to just crawl and go and lock any room you will be fine. But, my leg was frozen. I wanted to scream for it to move, I wanted to hide soon.

He asks again, “where is the money?”

He holds an empty bottle of his alcohol if only the life in him was emptied. He approaches me with blood-stained eyes.
I need to run. I made a mistake I should have stayed in bed for life to slip away from me this morning and now here I am fighting for it. when I should have let go. I didn’t want to die by his filthy hands I didn’t want to feel his pain. My legs become alive at this point and I push him with remaining life and run as fast I could he quickly recovers and quickly chases me from behind.

I slam the door and he bangs my door with his hand. At this point, my whole body is shivering and I wish this door would never open. I stand at the door and eventually my legs die and I fall and I start weeping and I still hear his thuds and screams to open up the door, it was loud so I cover my ear and if there exists a god, please make him disappear. I would pay for my sin for such wish upon my birth giver but please I want him to go away.

The banging eventually stops for what it seemed to me was forever and I stand up and watch through the peephole and I couldn’t find his trace so I get up and move towards my study table and start moving it so I could place it on the door. if I ever fall into a deep sleep, I would be safe somehow.

I push the table and suddenly I felt strong dragging such weight, I was afraid he would be back again if he heard the voice. Perhaps, he passed out to notice the loud noise and I was tired at this moment I would sleep even I fall to the ground. I lay in the bed and scan the libraries of memory and Ava appears in my eyes. I have been to her home; her home had stars in her ceilings. Now, when I open my eyes, I don’t find any stars and this makes me sad and I start crying I want stars too. I need stars as my guardian when I sleep.

Her dad and mom had dinner together at one table something I have only seen in movies, and I was happy. The lies I have said seemed so true to me as if I have the script and I said everything perfectly and it surprised me that I had an answer for all their questions too, my mom and my dad seemed so happy in the lie I made but when I’m alone, the lies I have told become a giant fist and choke me.

Her father made some jokes while eating and he was sober and smiling and winking at his wife, it felt so warm and I almost wanted to cry. Ava seemed to be annoyed but I did laugh with all my heart and later we saw the movie in her huge bed and her room smells like lavender and mine smells like a trash can.

I wanted stars again and Mr.James comes to my mind, his eyes were sad and I wanted to ask him how he survived all this time or does it hurt still?. I wanted to know would my future me hate me? Or am I supposed to do something else? I have always been afraid of time. I have always been afraid of doing the wrong things and I don’t know what am I supposed to do? I don’t have something inside me to chase it and I want to be normal so bad, and I fall asleep while still scanning through the memories and I so wanted to skip junior high.