Colors ( Completed)

chapter.5

Our way to the bus stop was filled with silence the kind of silence that didn’t make me realize my presence too strongly we just walked beside each other too slowly and calmly and he waited till I got on the bus and waved goodbye sadly he had to take a different route. As I left him behind I found it more painful to say goodbye I wanted to stay and just stay for no reason. The way back to my house was filled with nostalgia. Perhaps this is how it feels to have someone to speak whatever it was I liked it.

He wasn’t home and all my senses were back on alert now. I sighed relief finding myself home alone I washed up and started searching for paintings in the attic. I remember I liked painting I was happy it was Theo who brought me back to my love for art back so I wanted to paint for him, I wanted to be good.

The room is dusty and I don’t remember when I last painted and even if there are brushes anymore here. I take a brush of webs and dust and find a hard wooden box there were many boxes I don’t know what it contains so I opened one it was mother’s clothes. I guess he put it in here, she couldn’t any longer take him so one day when the sun was bright she left without a trace and her love visits once in a while in the form of thin paper which replaced her warm arm. I close it for now I will open it again perhaps one day when I’m older and stronger I would pick up and hold the dress as if she would be back to me if only I hold tighter.

I open the smallest wooden box and find my childhood picture and one I was on the beach. I was smiling in a yellow frock and I don’t remember being happy and I don’t remember if I ever been to the beach with my family all of this is very stranger to me. The memories the ones I never bother to visit twice are coming back to me. I don’t want this now so I search more to find colors and brush it is old and dingy but usable and I found a few of my paintings it was more scenery and I didn’t color it yet.

I rush down and stand steady to hear any voices to check if he was back. He wasn’t, I was happy I go to the room and open up my window I want to dream now.
I pick a grey color and I start painting the sky and a man taking walk. So I did like painting then but when I touch the color blue my hands shiver and I couldn’t take color and I continue with grey and it happens again and again
Now that I think about it I can’t use color.

I wake up and open my door and put my head out partly through the door to listen to the voice but I couldn’t listen to any voice of a human except for the gentle cold breeze of loneliness. So I put my feet out and walk downstairs to check if he was asleep and he wasn’t there in our house. I was happy again to not being bothered by him again.
So I take my time bathing I didn’t worry about time for class since I have always been a morning person so I sit in the tub with my arms spreads out and my head outside I wonder if I had that courage to knock on the door of the pain and for once I would take a knife and pierce me down it would be red like rose and my tub would be beautiful and I would still lay dead for days perhaps until the decides to check up on m was feeling when I found myself thinking about him. His gentle smile, I could see his face all over again and it was as if he was with me and in me somehow. Day and night I found myself longing for his warmth somehow and if it was the love I wouldn’t mind it being one side. These feelings I never had before so, it was dear to me.

I get up from the shower after daydreaming a while then I get dressed for college.
It’s the same in college every day. I feel fucking same except for Mr. Theo after spending little time with him I keep on repeating the encounters I had with him like a lovesick moron I never truly understood when Ava spoke about her string of bf perhaps, she made me feel love is pathetic since she moved from one to next very quickly. But, when I came inside it and touched those feelings myself it wasn’t like anything I felt before I don’t understand the anxiety and pain that came with love for me it was always so far gentle and kindness it feels as if one person who is just like every other mortal on the street touch your soul in such a manner that you no longer felt a need to search the meaning of life anymore the scientist and the great philosopher seems so vague to spend eternity in search of something to live on but it always been there the heart inside of flesh to let it open and bloom with love that’s all it is there to live and then there are blissful creatures who are being loved back, it must be so heavenly to be wanted by someone you love.

I would never be that I’m sure of it the thought makes me a bit sadder. The kind of sadness I never knew I’m capable of yet I’m indeed happy to fall in love with Theo and his gentle smile.

I head out and when I reach the school I see Ava grinning from afar, it sort of creeped me out and she approached me,
“Now bark you, sly little bastard”