our secret moments

chapter five

Pansy

I do not know why she is laying here, in the tower, surrounded by the stars. She looked quite peaceful, until I woke her. I could have left her. I could have just walked away. But I did not.

I am still kneeling by her wet body. She isn't wearing any of her fancy clothes, just pyjamas. She's wearing the ring I gave her. I must admit, it feels nice, seeing her with the ring.

But it's not nice that she's laying in the tower.

She seems to be on drugs. I know she likes them, it isn't really a problem, I think, and hope. She is reckless towards herself, this I know. She throws herself at things, not because she's dumb, but because she does not care. She does not care for herself. Not others either, really.

She only cares for a select number of people. Well, she did when we were younger. She cared for me, Fallon, her mother and grandmother. She didn't have patience, still doesn't.

She looks up at my face. Her eyes look sad. She presses a smile to her lips.
"Forget this happened, okay?" She whispers.
I sigh. "Okay. Now let me help you." I offer my hand.
"No."
"Yes."
"Okay." She closes her eyes for a minute.
"Okay." I grab her arm, and drag her up. I get her to stand on a small ledge, so that I can carry her on my back. Her body is so cold, I don't know how she is not hypothermic. I hold on to her legs, that are wrapped around my waist. Her arms are around my shoulders and neck, hold on. She is surprisingly light.

I feel her breath against my neck, her head resting on my shoulder. She smells nice. I hope I do, too.

"Thank you." She whispers. I don't think I'm supposed to hear it. But I do.

I must look strange, carrying Frances. People probably think I hurt her, but I didn't. She hurt herself. And I do not care about how I must look, all I care about is getting her warm. She's so cold.

Why can't she take care of herself? It makes it so much harder not caring for her. I do care, I wish she did too. I, her enemy, care more about her than she, herself does.

Yeah, Fallon is great, but it's hard helping someone who doesn't want help. I don't blame Fallon, she isn't Frances' babysitter.

I get to the staircase that leads to the ravenclaw dorms.
"I'll say the password, don't listen."
I turn my head, and start humming. She's still a little high. I respect her wishes.

"Do you have a bathroom in your dorm?" I ask her.
"Yes, I do have that." She slur slightly.
"Great, where is your dorm?"
She points to a dark wooden door.

The ravenclaw common room is blue and dark. An astrological theme, with the night sky bleeding in from the windows. Candles are lit everywhere, and books are stacked in big shelves, piles on the floor. There is a big carpet in the middle with huge pillows sprawled. It's actually quite pretty.

We're in her dorm, it's messy. Books and clothes everywhere. It's comforting, it feels nostalgic, I get a sense of déjà vu. Like I've been here before. It smells like her bedroom at home did when we were young. Like expensive pine perfume, with a slight hint of orange. I have felt this sort of void inside of me, like something is missing. Being here fills a little bit of it up, but this is a onetime thing. First and last time in her dorm. I'm glad I found her.

"Who many did you take?" I set her down.
"I don't know." She says. She looks up at me with glossy eyes.
"Come here." I give her my hand and lead her to her bathroom. I've got to get the heat back into her body quickly.
The bathroom is small, with a shower in one corner. Its decked out in light blue tiles, also very pretty. It's much like my bathroom, actually.

"We have to get these pills out of your system, Frances." I say.
"No crow?" She asks. Touching my face.
"No." I take her hands off my face.
She makes a sad face, she's really high.
"Can you do it?" I ask.
She shakes her head, so I make her sick into the toilet. I have a fear of vomit, but it does not matter right now. Her life matters more than a stupid fear of mine.

Her clothes are wet and cold.
"Crow, would you undress? I can go."
"Ahhh, crow. No, stay. Help me."
She's high.
"Help me, please." She begs.
I know she will hate me to the end of time if I help her.
I turn my back. "Do it, crow."
She sighs. I hear her clothes drop to the floor. "Done."
I turn around, and move my eyes in such a way, that I don't see her, only her shower. I turn on the water and let it steam up.
She moves her body into my line of sight. I turn my head.

"It's fine, you can look." She says.
I stay silent, I won't look, out of respect and normal human decency. I want her to keep at least a little of her dignity.
She grabs my arm, and tugs me down to her. I don't resist. I try to keep my eyes on the wall, but I get small glimpses of her pale skin. She's sitting there with her underwear on.

She tugs me down, I let her. She tells me to hold her, and I hesitantly do. I move behind her, and hold her under the warm stream.

I hate that it has come to this, I hate that I can't be there for her. I hate that I have to hate her. I hate that I have to pretend to be disgusted by her. I mask my true feelings with what I am supposed to feel. I am supposed to feel shame towards her. But I don't.

She moves close to me. I feel her body slowly getting warmer.
"I quite like you, Viola. Thank you." She whispers. My heart drops. It's been years since anyone has called me that.

I don't care that my clothes are soaked, I only care that she is warm. I care that she is alive, and it scares me.

I am scared.

I wish she hadn't taken any of those pills. I wish she would care for herself.