Sunday September 5th, 9:57
I run to the bathroom. I run as fast as my legs can carry me. Once I get there I practically rip my pants and underwear away from me. I sit at a tremendous speed.
"oh god."
I didn't expect that. The shit wasn't liquid like I had expected. It was..firm. I was bracing myself for inpact..legs trembling.
"fuck..please just..get out...please"
I was begging to anyone that may hear. I needed help.
"PUSH" I hear jesus whisper into my ear and I push like I never have before. This jolt of energy rushed through me and out my gaping ass hole. The shit plummeted into the waters of the toilet that were practically begging to be filled with shit.
"wow." I let out in pure amazement. I was..done. I push once more just to make sure my anal cavity was empty. Nothing. I could've cried pure tears of joy..I was. Free. I wipe my ass and get ready to stand and observe my shit.
"what?" I whisper shout. It's..gone?
"Where did it..go??" As I let the words escape my mouth jesus returns into the room.
"your shit is among us in heaven now. It is no longer your burden." I feel so safe. His glowing aura felt so warm. His eyes were closed and he was inhaling my shit fumes in a way that was almost...erotic. His eyes suddenly open with the strength of ten horses.
"no..no. somethings off." I jump at the sheer anxiety his words exude.
"The shit has fallen from the sky..." oh no I begin to think but my words are cut off "the shit has fallen from the sky and into..hell."
Holy shit. Wait, can I even utter such words? Not when the shit is no longer holy...
"Fuck. Jesus, what do we do? What can we do?" I nervously ask. At this point im twirling my fingers, my pants are still down, my pubes are falling out due to stress. This could be dangerous..for the world.
"there's nothing we can do my child. In the wise words of Nicki Minaj.. "I just sit back and observe."" God, he's so wise.
"so...will the world be safe? will poo demons spawn on earth? what..could happen??" My thoughts are rushed. I go to pick up my pants, my cheeks were getting cold.
"perhaps. I don't know. I'll have to call lucifer. He's the only other thing that has fallen from heaven into hell." he says as he shakes his head. He takes my phone and dials satans number.
"yelllow??"
"lucy, baby- did the shit fall into hell??" Jesus says panicked, hes leaning over the sink- hand on head as to stop any sweat from forming.
"oh yeah, we saw some shit splatter on the floor. Baby, I thought that was your way of saying u were mad at me?? awwww loveeee, you don't hate me??" Satan says in the sweetest voice (I imagine) he could muster.
"no bubby wubby, I could never be mad at you." Jesus says sighing and laying his head back. A weights been lifted and you could feel it. The same way the weight on my bowels was lifted when I shat.
"I have to go, good luck with any future poops. I'll always be here to assist you, little one." He says and kisses my forhead. I feel...lighter. He leaves from a hole in the ground. I assume he's going to visit Satan. It doesnt matter, all that matters is I feel safe. I flush the water to get rid of the toilet paper in the bowl and go to wash my hands.
"wow" I think aloud once more. I'm so blessed. I dry my hands and go to take a nap on my couch. As I close my eyes and drift into sleep I see Jesus's figure. He winks at me and floats away with such elegance. Je*sus*.
the end
