It's All Coming Back to Me Now

15: We See Just What We Want to See

Previously:

I suddenly realized what was wrong with me. I had thought I was tired because Serkan was keeping me up half the night every night--not that I was complaining--but now I was starting to suspect that it was something else.

I'd felt this way before.

Serkan couldn't know that I was pregnant.

***

I needed time to process. I needed to find out for sure. I needed to calm down. I needed to get away.

Serkan was on the phone with my aunt, trying to put her at ease. "Yes, she seems to be okay now, Ayfer. My doctor is on her way to look her over." He paused, listening to my aunt. "I will. Yes, I promise I will. Don't worry." Another pause. He looked over at me, and I could see his worry written plainly on his face. "Okay, see you soon."

He ended the call and walked over to me. He stood over me and looked at me sternly. "Eda, you've not been taking care of yourself. You're working too much. I won't have you working like a man and over-exhausting yourself!"

I bristled and raised up onto my elbows. "What does that mean--like a man? I've been doing this work since I started my business and I love it and I don't plan to stop because you think I'm too fragile."

"You're not meant to work like this! You passed out, Eda. Obviously your body can't handle it. You shouldn't be working so much--especially not in this heat. Why do you push yourself? You have all those people working for you--let them do it."

"I'm more than capable! I'm just not feeling well right now, that's all! You can't tell me what I should and shouldn't do, Serkan!"

I started to sit up and he pushed my shoulders down. "Dammit, Eda! Lie down!"

I scowled at him and fell back onto the sofa, my elbows collapsing under me. I was still lightheaded. I covered my eyes with my hand and shut them tightly to clear my vision of the white spots that floated in front of me.

He sat down on the edge of the couch next to my hip and felt my face with his big hands. His hands were soothing and cool and I closed my eyes in appreciation. "Are you all right?" He sounded panicked, and I was suddenly sorry for arguing with him. I knew he was being defensive because he was worried and I was shutting him out. 

We were falling back into our old pattern. I could see it, and I didn't want it to happen, but I wasn't ready to back down yet. He was being gentle now, but my claws were still out.

I opened my mouth to answer him, but Leyla came in with the doctor, and we didn't have a chance to say anything else.

The doctor asked me questions, listened to my heart, took my blood pressure and temperature, but I barely noticed she was there. My heart was in my throat. The tension between Serkan and me was so thick, it was choking me. I hated this feeling. I wanted us to be okay again. I needed to talk to him, but I couldn't yet--I couldn't talk to him until I knew for sure what was going on. The possibility that I was pregnant made me feel sick with anxiety. I buried the little voice of hope and longing in the back of my mind. I didn't deserve it, I reminded myself. What if I did something wrong again? What if I couldn't take care of this baby either? What if something happened to her because of me?

"You're going to be fine," the doctor said, smiling warmly. "Your blood pressure is a little low. Make sure you drink a lot of water and stay off your feet and out of the sun for a while."

"So there's nothing wrong with her?" Serkan asked.

The doctor shook her head. "Not that I can see--nothing serious. Just a little overheated and dehydrated, I think."