Addictive.

I often think about her.

Probably because she's addicting. I'm not sure how I feel exactly, but I know it's strong. I would say love, but she uses it too casually. All the time. Saying I love you too is both frustrating, nerve racking, and uncomfortable, as much as it is relieving, adorable, and scary. It brings a warm feeling to my heart. But any thinking about Her brings a dull ache to my stomach. Maybe it's stress, maybe it's guilt, I don't know. It's unhealthy. I lean on hearing her soft voice coax me into replying, "I love you too." I know she means it unlike how I want her too, but my mind refuses to accept the fact that she simply does not 'love' me. On a level, I hate how she says it. And I hate how it's losing meaning. Becoming as casual as, 'how are you?'. It makes me disappointed, because I want it to be special. I want it to be something that means everything. But I won't change a thing, because she's like a drug to me, and I don't wanna go a day without her. I won't change a thing because she's happy. She's in 'love',
and he makes her happy. I like him, we're good friends. I don't particularly mind their romance. I just wish she loved me. It hurts to know so many people are more important then me. That's stupid, I know. But my 'drunkoffbeingdeprivedofsleep' mind doesn't seem to care. I want to be the most important thing in her life. Which is impossible, and even if she cared about me, would be unreachable. I still want it. Just as much as I want to hold her hand, or kiss her cheek, or hear her tell me I'm her crush. But I'm not. And she'll never say those things, and I'll never kiss her cheek. Because I'm too afraid. But she makes me so happy, and so hurt. But I would rather feel extreme emotion then nothing at all.
I know it's a bad idea, but I can't stop. And if i could, I wouldn't. Because anything I get from her is beautiful. Whether she cares or talks to me out of boredom. It's still captivating. It's still lovely. She calls me beautiful, funny and smart more then i deserve. And I don't understand why someone would want to talk to me. I'm plain, I'm boring, I'm a depressed, stupid, kid, who doesn't know how to solve her problems. But I won't bring up pain. Not unless she asks. Because I don't want to bore her, or make her think I'm trying to earn pity. I care too much. I wish I didn't. But I read into things, and a normal hurt is 1000x more painful when I love her. And when she was lost, i reassured her that he loved her. And it stung. But I was happy. Because I tried to make her happy. If she said she was depressed because of my presence, I would disappear. Because she's addicting, and sometimes I think,

I think about her too often.