The Pity I Don't Need

Chapter 1

I was in the fire escape stairwell again. It was quiet. The small beam of light that swept over the area from the tiny windows alongside the west wall allowed me to see the dust that flew everywhere. I enhaled deeply, probably breathing in millions of dust molecules that will pile up in my lungs. 

The place was slightly damp. 

Dark and damp. I liked that I felt alone here. I was free to let my tears go. I was free to release some of my pain. I was free. Away from my troubles. Away from my harsh life. 

It was hard to find places to spend time alone in an apartment building. In this shabby apartment though, I realized no one liked going to the exit stairwells. These stairwells were in worse condition than anywhere else in this building. It was not well kept or cleaned. There were spiderwebs everywhere.

The fact that nobody ever came here was the exact reason why I liked this place. I liked this place because it was mine and mine only. I never bumped into people here. I'd never have to be forced to make small talk even when there were tears welling up in my eyes like I'd have to if I went pretty much anywhere else in this building. When I come here, I would always tell my parents that I was going for a walk. They probably didn't buy it but they let me go anyway. They know I needed the space. 

I wish they didn't let me go though. I just want us to happy again. 

As I'm sitting alone on a step, slumped against the railing to my left, I could still hear the faint back and forth yelling between my parents even two floors down. It was nothing new. I was used to it by now. 

It's been 11 years since we moved to Canada. I was 6 when my dad's business went bankrupt. It was then that everything went down hill. It was from that day on that every adult who met me would tell me that I was mature for my age. 

Each breath I took in this lonely stairwell echoed. I felt at peace for a fraction of a second when my phone lit up to signify a new notification. A bit annoyed, I glanced down at my phone and saw that an old friend of mine was waiting outside the building for me. It was a bit weird since she haven't contacted since a while ago. I stood up and dusted myself off before leaving my safe space.

Once I got out of the building, I saw a tall figure in the nearby distance waving at me. I huffed as I walked closer to her, pulling up the collar of my maroon jacket. Fall was here and each breath I took released with a cloud of mist in the air. It was cold and so no one else was on the streets. Becky and I were alone here. It was eerie.

"Aurora! I'm so happy you saw my text, I was in the area and wanted to see if you had time to hang out a bit." She said with a wide smile once I stood in front of her. 

I gave her a curt smile and said, "Yeah, what's up, Becky? we haven't talked in person for a while."

I took a good look at Becky. Leather boots, beige coloured trousers, a musturd yellow sweater, and a ton of accessories. When did she get so stylish? She used to only wear leggings and worn out hoodies. 

"Oh c'mon, don't be like that. How's my 5"5' midget?" She slung her arm around my shoulders and pulled me in close.

"First, I'm average height. Second, did you get contacts? What happened to your glasses?"

She frowned and scrunched her nose, "Oh you know... they got old and I was getting sick of them anyway. Contacts are totally the way to go. I've gotten so many compliments since I got rid of the boxy frames." 

"Right..." I shifted uncomfortably. Becky hasn't spoken to me in almost a year. What was she trying to do?

"Remember in grade 10 when we were freaking out about my final grade for English class? We cried for 3 days straight. It's hilarious to think back on."

"Yeah, I remember that." I said and laughed with her even though I didn't know what was so funny about us crying from the stress and pressure of grades. 

"You're still so worried about grades and extracurricular activities, right? Listen, I've totally just realized that it's okay to not care about grades. I'm the happiest I've ever been! You should try it sometime. Maybe you can even tryout for cheer team... it is your senior year and I will not let you play your flute on the bleachers with the marching band. Cheer is so exhilarating. You'll love it."

I moved away from her and her arm fell to her side. "I love marching band and I don't plan on giving up my grades. You don't understand and you never will. Grades are the only thing I have. I told you before." I told her.

"Okay, fine. I'm sorry for targeting that. Listen... I'm cheer captain this year and I just need one more person to make cheer team presentable. Please? I need you." She clasped her hands together and gave me the puppy dog eyes.

"Why me? I can't do gymnastics or anything like that." 

"Let's just say I've seen you dancing before for dance team and you were very flexible. It was a nice dance too. You have the talent and..." She trailed off and looked to the side.

"And what?" I asked

"Okay. Well, this is going to sound bad but... you have the talent AND you're skinny enough. You have a nice figure and you'll be able to fit well into the uniform that the team has. Our team will be a whole bunch of skinny legends that get worshipped by all the guys at school. I want this year's team, my team, to be the best ever that our school has ever seen." She grabbed my hands and looked at me expectingly.

I was disgusted. This cannot be real. I had no idea that Becky had become this type of person, this type of girl. I felt a lump forming in my throat. Suddenly, I let it all out. All of the words just flew straight from within me and right at Becky.

"Are you kidding me? You texted me after a year of ignoring me so you can become popular to recruit me to your cheer team because you think I'm skinny enough?" I felt the anger rise from within me.

I continued on my rant, "This is so ridiculous. You got what you wanted. You're cheer captain and guys will be running after you. You threw me away after 5 years of friendship. I was there for you when your parents kicked you out because you failed half of your courses in grade 11. I tutored you and helped you become proficient in math. What have you ever done for me? What have you become?" I looked at her with wide eyes.

"Please, we're in high school. What did you expect? Why can't you be happy for me now that I've decided to actually enjoy my teenage years? I'm sure you just want someone to be as miserable as you since misery loves company. Just what do you want from me? Do you want me to waste my entire high school years just so we could be in the same boat? You just want me to be lonely with you! You haven't lived yet. All you do is study and study." She shot back with judging eyes.

I felt tears well up. I looked at her with disbelief in my eyes. "You've changed and you know what? Not everyone has the luxury to enjoy their years." I said as I turned my back to her and started walking back towards the entrance of my building. 

She called out to me again and again, telling me that I would regret turning away from her. Becky hollered that we were no longer friends as I continued walking away. Us no longer friends... that was something I already knew ages ago.

Under my breath, I mumbled so quietly that there was no way she could've heard as I let the tears pour out, "I can never live the life you have."