Understand

Chapter 6:

"Kate what time is is?"
"9:55 pm."
We had just finished Cars 2 when Austin let out a huge yawn and snuggled into me.
"When did mummy say she'll be back?"
"I don't know Austin... Maybe you should try and go to sleep eh?"
"No... I want to see mummy."
However, he was just too tired; At about 10:05 he lost his battle with tiredness and fell asleep next to me. I hauled myself off the sofa, picked up Austin and took him to bed. I laid him down and tucked him in. I watched him as he slept peacefully, I ruffled his blond hair then left.

10:17
'I guess I'll watch some more tv' I thought. I strolled back downstairs and slumped onto the sofa. Urgh, late night TV was usually when the shitty shows were on. I flicked through the music channels and put on MTV music (MTV was one of my favourite channels.) It was doing the top 30 songs of 2014, and it just literally started so it would kill quite a bit of time.

To be honest, I liked being on my own, but I guess I was used to it really.

However, when I'm on my own it gives me time to think about stuff... And that isn't so great for me...
I overthink (apparently) and unfortunately it destroys me mentally. I can't help it though, all I do is sit there and think about things that are going on in my life, then boom. Overthinking kicks in. I start to imagine certain scenarios, think about how people really see, if people even like me. It makes me feel so shit because then I feel worthless and as if everyone hates me.

Normally, I can cope with the whole overthinking thing, but today... I don't know... I jut couldn't...
I kept thinking about my mum and dad arguing, whether my friends were annoyed I missed science, if my friends even liked me?
My head was flooded with these kind of thoughts and questions, it was annoying me so much. For some reason I began to feel angry. I had pains in my stomach and my head was pounding.
I wanted to get rid of these emotions and feelings but I didn't know how.

I tried walking around the house, listening to The 1975 (favourite band of all time) I even tried making a sandwich! But nothing was working, I didn't feel right, I didn't feel like me...
Until I saw it.
The knife.
When I was making my sandwich I spotted it in the corner of my eye. Lying on the kitchen side. It glistened in the dim lights, as if it was calling me...
I shook my head and told myself to stop being stupid, but the voice in my head wouldn't leave...
'C'mon Kate, what's the worst that can happen? All you have to do is one little cut? It doesn't have to be anymore if you don't want it to. It will help relieve your stress. No one needs to know you've done it... No one.'

Eventually I picked up the knife. I stared at it. I glided my forefinger along the blade. The voice inside my head screaming.
My hands began to shake. I brought the sharp knife to my wrist.
I brushed it across several times, each one harder than the last. I kept doing it, until... I cut into my skin.
It felt so good. It stung, but I loved it. It was as if when my skin was torn open, my pain and stress was released.
I done it again.
Except this time, I didn't hesitate. I went straight in; deeper.
Again, and again and again. I couldn't stop. I craved the pain. The voice inside my head became quieter and quieter after every cut.
I was so relaxed, I've never felt this way before; I knew what I was doing was wrong, by it felt so right...
I stopped. I examined my ruined wrist.
The cuts were all the same. Horizontal, deep and dripping with blood.

I put the red-stained knife down and clutched my wrist. I held my hand there as I shuffled over to close the door.
I removed my hand to find that too was covered in my own blood. I grabbed some tissues and wrapped my wrist in them. The blood seeped through much more quicker than I expected. I kept layering the tissues, but it was no use, I kept bleeding.
In all honestly I personally didn't care, however, if Austin woke up or my mum walked in I would be fucked big time.

I ran into my room and found loads of hair bands. I put some new tissues on my wrist, and used the hair bands to hold them in place.
It worked very well, you wouldn't even know the cuts or tissues were there.
I went back into the kitchen, washed the knife then shoved it in the dishwasher. I check to see if the kitchen sides were clean; there was a bit of blood so I wiped it all down.
I walked to the living room and sat back down. I quickly checked my phone: 11:34 - Still no sign of mum.