Forsaken Us [7 Days!]

Memories

That day wasn't any different. I stopped by the church my mom worked at. Sure enough, Philio was on that bench holding a drink. I sat down next to him, exhausted after a long day—and it was all for nothing.

I felt a gentle nudge to my right foot. I looked down only to see a black cat, no bigger than the size of a basketball.

Philio watched with feigned interest—that much was obvious. And yet, he was the one who picked up the cat and fed it. Pfft.

"Never knew you liked cats," I said, teasing him. He just laughed it off and let the cat go off on its own but it wouldn't. He sighed. Giving in, he decided to keep it. I left at sunset. There was just no reasoning with that Philio.

As I walked past the front of the church, my eyes fell onto a figure in the distance. My mouth was gaping open, eyes wide from shock. I recognised her in a heartbeat—it was my mom. I felt her walking towards me. I just stayed there. What else could I possible have done? I couldn't move.

"Kirell...?", she said softly. Something about her tone suggests that she's been waiting for this moment for forever. I could've said something rational, something that could lead to her forgiving me, even though we both know that I'm not worthy of forgiveness. Instead, my horror-struck self said, "I think you've gotten the wrong person..."

"Oh. Sorry," she said. Disappointment was in her voice, and so obviously written all over her face. No...was it hatred? By the time I gained ahold of myself once more, she was already gone.

I wanted to say hi, I wanted to say that I've missed her and that I'm sorry. But I ran, pretended not to know her. I kept thinking up excuses for myself, that she's not ready to talk yet, that she wouldn't like to see the monster she's raised, that she wouldn't be okay. Even so, deep down, I knew this feeling well. Fear. Afraid to meet my own mom. At the end of the day, I'm still this petty little coward with my so called sense of justice.

I felt the streetlights shining onto me, I felt so exposed. I ran across the street, there's just no turning back now. I could hear her soft laughter behind me. Is she talking about me to someone else? Is she proud of me? Or is she laughing at what a coward I've been? Does she recognise me?

I shuddered at the thought. I slipped into the alleyway just as I've done a dozen times before and slumped down to the ground. I couldn't move. It didn't matter anyway, there wasn't any need to. But how I hoped that there was some other way.

It's hard to think how my feelings changed so rapidly, honestly. It felt like just a second ago I was teasing Philio, and now...

I tried slowing down my rasping breaths, but to no avail. Hot tears were streaming down my face and I didn't even notice. That's how inhuman I am. Then it wasn't just me anymore, there was someone else.

"Argo."

His eyes shifted to the side.

Ah, so he thought that he could've gone by unnoticed. Fair enough, I thought. But his mouth was still shut. I could tell that he went stiff upon the mere sight of me, but I didn't feel distressed. It was like I've stopped feeling entirely.

"What? What do you want? To give me another lecture?" I couldn't breathe. I supposed it was better that way. Argo still said nothing, his eyes softened, just a little. "Kirell. What do you want?"

Air came flowing back into me, filling up my lungs. Well, that question brought me back to my senses. Can't say that I'm grateful for it though.

It took me a while to think up an answer. I've always known what I wanted, so why couldn't I have said it immediately?

"I want out. I just want to be a normal person, to be able to meet my mom. Why can't I just make her proud of me for once?", now I was just blurting my thoughts out all at once, it didn't feel sweet. If anything, it made me sick to the head.

"All those people I've killed. Why do I feel this way? Didn't they deserve it?" I could hear my sobs clearly now. Man, I wish I wasn't this way. I could've disappeared right then and there if it wasn't for me and my big mouth. Heh, some things just never never change. I'm so pathetic.

"I'm sick of people dying around me, Argo. I'm sorry I never listened. But what good is that now? It doesn't change anything."

"I'll talk to him one last time," he said.

Argo didn't say anything else after that, he gripped my hand tight and walked me home. That look in his eyes, unreadable as always. I wish I knew what was on his mind, all I knew was that it was far off, that he was thinking of something else entirely.

Then he smiled. Argo, my trainer, protector. The only one that showed me what fatherly love was, he smiled—something I'd never seen him do.

But he was shaking all over, and I felt it. Something was hurting him on the inside.

Lucky for me, I now know what it was.

I almost forgot about that incident. I was sorry, and still made the same mistake all over again. Truth is that I didn't need to shoot him, I should've been the one to drop dead to the ground. There's no denying it, not that anyone ever did.

Now that I think of it, maybe there was. Who was she? I can't remember her. We used to talk all day together, just the two of us in our "special seat". She used to be so closeted and kept mostly to herself at first, but she started opening up more. What's stopping me from remembering? She was the best person one could ever ask for.

I was pacing in my room, frantically trying to remember. Frustration was building up in me, then I remembered. That's it—Hilde. That was her name. Now I know why I couldn't remember such a kind heart.

I didn't want to.

The memories we made together, I pushed them all deep down, praying they'd all go away. I even burnt the pictures of me and her, hoping the raging fire could burn away the guilt within me as well. I don't know if Hilde still has a grudge against me, all I know is that she's dead. It was my fault. I was their target, not her. She didn't deserve any of that.

My thoughts evaporated instantly when I heard a knock on the door. Grateful for the interruption, I opened the creaking door. Speak of the devil, it's him. It's him, Philio, standing in the doorway smiling.