Look At Me

Entry 2: You know it's love when it hurts.

Entry 2:September 9, 2021

It's always the child who's going to understand the parent? or the other way around?

Am I wrong for feeling sad and I can't find the will to dream of what will I become in the future since they keep on telling me how poorly I did for the past years?

How can I move forward if I am always reminded of the past?

I understand that parents are there for a reason and, we, the children is always to be blamed for our misbehavior when in fact we are only the mirror of how the people around us act.

Whether a child likes it or not that trait will be carried and shall be adapted if that is the trait that he/she sees.

I am aware that I am currently typing aimlessly, I just want to empty my thoughts and empty the burden inside me.

Since I am voiceless

I am also blind, not physically but emotionally. Not by nature, but by choice.

If I cry they will seem like it's wrong for me to.

If I talk back, I am told to swallow my own words.

If I isolate myself, I am told that I am the villain.

The only way for me to feel something is if I open my door and wait for them to do what they want, "arrogant" they say.

No, I am not arrogant for looking at nothing as your words pass through my ears, as your hand lands on my cheeks.

I feel the sting, but I hear my silent scream inside my head wanting to voice itself out.

I feel the warm tears streaming down my cheeks, but I know I did not cry because of the pain in my skin. I cry because of my throat from trying to silent the scream, from the disappointment that I carry, and the things that I know should be said but I never did let them out.

All I see is blur.

All I see is my own helplessness.

How can I stand up, if I am ask to shut my self off.

How can I find strength if they're the only ones who hurt me until I'm spent?

I have no conclusion with this one, because this is what they call tough love. 

I really don't have any idea, how this kind of love breaks my heart.