I've been feeling the pain of loneliness so much lately. I'm the type of person that reminds myself and others that you don't need anyone to be happy. I usually preach about being independent and all that, and so I guess it might make me a hypocrite to say that I want to fall in love.
If you would have asked me about a year ago: "Do you believe in love?" I would have said no. I don't believe in love. I believe that a person can get attached to another person, or like them very much and really enjoy the company of them. I would have said that people tend to be in love with the idea of being in love but not the actual person they're with. That they make up little love stories in their heads to erase what's true, and are fooled by illusions that they have unknowingly created to make themselves believe that what they have is love.
To me, love was merely just a distraction everyone wanted to fall victim to so that it would make all the cruel things in the world worth living through.
But now, I don't know.
I have come to believe that there is something far greater than what people romanticize love to be. I believe that being truly in love is so rare and only a few lucky people in the world get to experience it.
But something so rare and endlessly beautiful like that could never happen to someone like me.
I've become so guarded that it is almost impossible for me to open up to people. I want to change that, but every time I come across someone I really care about I get scared of letting them have control of knowing my insecurities and fears.
This is why I bore people away. I wouldn't blame them though, it's my fault for not letting them get to know me. And since people come and go without getting close to me, I have taught myself to be okay with being independent.
But at times like these when I can't sleep at night, I try be ignorant to the fact that I'm not okay. All I do is push any deep and real emotions away. In doing so, I become empty with only a deep dark void growing in my soul. I am slowly erasing who I am.
I wish I could love someone and for them to love me back. But I tend to come to bad conclusions about people before it can be more than a crush. I do this because I'm scared of getting hurt and so I try to make up excuses to limit the casualties. Yet in the end, I realize I'm only hurting myself.
The thing is, I don't think I could handle giving someone else the power to hurt me. I don't think I could handle it. I would let it destroy me.
