Our Child

Chapter twenty four

Vices. For as long as Jisoo could remember, she had been ruled by her vices. In college, especially in her first couple years, that had mainly taken the form of parties. Life had been so boring for her growing up, barely in the favour of her strict parents, an unwanted youngest. In someone else's house, Jisoo could be free of her imposed inhibitions. There was rarely a question of what she would do, and more of what you could not force her to. That list was short.

Though with age, the vast majority of her addictions had faded. Only a couple key weak points still haunted Jisoo. Women were always the most dangerous. Jisoo never had it within herself to pick a type, they were all far too glorious within their own right. Short hair or long, dresses or a suit, women looked marvellous throughout, none could outdo another's beauty. Then she had met Jennie. To say Jisoo fell would be inaccurate, she had plummeted long before Jennie even knew her name. Even now, the greatest part of Jisoo fell to the mother's will. 

The lesser, her other lasting vice, was praise. As a child, her teachers always congratulated her grades, her classmates in uni would cheer Jisoo on as she took shot after shot, Jennie would make sure to point out how beautiful she was every time she smile. The cheer of the audience after a performance always sent a minty rush through her veins. Fame gave praise a new form. On every site, app, building, there was worship for her. Jisoo had always craved it, a constant naw on the back of her head she would feel every time a relative insulted her ears, or her parents ignored her, or the kids in school teased her for her grades. Jisoo wanted karma, and oh boy did she get it, both ways. Jisoo became the appraised and stupid beauty standard she had always been scrutinised for not meeting, but lost track of everything underneath.

Still, in the apartment complex, Jisoo's shell ran on a yolk of hot red anger and blue upset. Walking away from Lisa's, Jisoo knew to chase either addiction would be ill advised at best. Instead, the actress when to her car, got in, and drove. Jisoo's first instinct had been to peel off and never look back, to get as far away as she could before everything realised she had even left. That thought was dismissed as soon as Jisoo remembered the state of Jennie's house, Lisa's words, how everything wrong in her life was her fault. Gripping the wheel tighter, Jisoo adjusted the mask she had adorned to go unnoticed, watching passersby as she waited in traffic. All Jisoo needed was a moment of quiet.

Recounting the argument in her head, Jisoo realised it had been foul play to bring Rosie into this mess, even if she thought it was the truth. What had been fouler was Lisa's inclusion of Jennie's mother. To this day, Jisoo was too scared to ask what she had done or said to cause such an irreversable rift. There goes another vice; fear.

Pulling the car over by a pebble beach near the city harbour, Jisoo gazed out at the ocean. High tide was in, the waved crashing into the rocks just mere meters away from her car. Their sound, though tremendous, held an odd comfort. Jisoo admired the pale foam and dark water, the way it merged and drifted closer, then farther away. Her mind followed the motions, feeling as though she was swaying whist not moving a single muscle.

This would be the perfect spot to cry, Jisoo realised.

Her last gush had been disturbed by an angle. Yet, if Jisoo had felt a tad more like herself, humiliation would have pushed Jennie away. Jisoo could almost feel the warmth of Jennie's embrace on her, a feeling she did not deserve. In another world, Jisoo would have found a better way to let Jennie off so they both could have healed, or never let go in the first place. But Jisoo lived in this one, where she was quite possibly the most formulaically beautiful, but spineless celebrity in all of Korea, and maybe the earth.

A knock on the window broke her thoughts, eyes blinked, and almost instantly the actress had to suppress a sigh. Of all the days she could be spotted by a fan this was by far the worst. Turning her head, Jisoo was shocked to see not a starry-eyed admirer, but a concerned Rosie outside her car. Rolling down her window, Jisoo made no move to her mask, "What are you doing here?"

"I do have a house, you know," Rosie responded after a moment, "I could ask you the same thing."

Jisoo shrugged, "Argument."

"Jennie?"

"Lisa," Jisoo clarified.

"Coward," Rosie rolled her eyes, walking round to sit in the passenger seat, "If I had a dollar for every time you took off after a fight-"

"You could buy a million kangaroos," Jisoo mocked, "Are you here to scold me?"

"Korean standards forbid it, oh precious unnie," Rosie mocked, "But no, I came over because concerned for you."

Rosie went on to explain that she lived in the area, and had to run home to collect some delivery forums when she spotted Jisoo's car. Essentially, the actresses presence was so strange that she had dropped everything to check in. Consideration was etched into Rosie's brow as she spoke, each word clear, defined, and distinctly kind. Jisoo felt almost bad that it was being wasted on her.

"Have you called Jennie today?" Jisoo asked.

"Of course," Rosie crossed her arms, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Trouble in paradise, huh?"

Jisoo sighed, nodding, "Call me names, get it over with."

"No," Rosie shook her head, "My torture is simple; tell me how many."

There was no surprise in Rosie knowing, it was not the end of the world, or even a great secret. Jisoo's pride however, disagreed. 

Jisoo groaned, rolling in her seat to look away, "Not you too."

Rosie did her best not to roll her eyes, "Don't be such a baby."

"My car, my rules," Jisoo's gaze returned to the ocean.

Rosie watched her, "I'm not going to lie, I don't see why this would be a big deal for the two of you. You might as well just say it." 

Jisoo shook her head, "I'm not going to do that."

"Jisoo, its fine. You're fully grown, mature, independent... of course something happened, you're  human."

The ice cream lady went on and on and Jisoo wanted to scream. How could she expect her to say it. How could Jisoo say it? If she did, would she have to name the number of times she called out Jennie's name instead of theirs, or when she saw Jennie's face in place of their own? 

Instead, Jisoo spoke two simple words over Rosie's lecture, "I'm scared."

Suddenly Rosie was silent, looking at Jisoo as if she were a ghost, mouth hung open. 

"You look like a fish with your mouth hung open," Jisoo teased, returning to the point after an unimpressed glare from Rosie, "I'm not scared of Jennie, per se. It's more like... once it is said out loud, I've admitted it to myself, and I think a small part of me wants to lie and say none of that horrible business ever happened."

"Then why did you do it in the first place?" Rosie frowned, "Nobody exactly held a gun to your head."

"Because then I would have had to admit to myself that I had just made the worst mistake of my life," Jisoo snapped, "That I hurt her, that this was all my fault."

"Well, it sort of is and isn't," After a moment, Rosie's eyes softened, as if that was the answer she had expected all along, "You're a coward, but you're our coward. Take all the time you need, then go home and explain to your..." Rosie thought for a moment before shaking her head, "Whatever you and Jennie are, why this is so hard for you."

"Thank you," Jisoo's eyes narrowed, "Why are you helping me?"

"Because, even though for the past few years you've been terrible, you're still one of the first people who was nice to me here. You're my friend," After checking her watch, Rosie began to shift her hand to the car door, "Not to mention Jennie is literally my best friend who I love. I'm running late now, so I'll leave you be"

"Fair," Was the last word Jisoo could say before Rosie shut the car door, waved, and walked away to get on with her day.

Placing her hands back on the wheel, Jisoo thought about her next moves, then drove.