recollection.

1. night drive

I feel like I'm slowly drifting into sadness one more time this month. My feelings drown me in my head, they confuse me. They chew me and spit me out again and again. Should I listen to them or block them away? Should I consult my thinking or should I let it consume me until I get used to it and don't feel the need to ignore it anymore? So many questions, so many fucking answerless questions.

Those questions can become an angry persona at some point, make you irked. Make you wonder: when will I stop being so cold to everyone just because I can't understand my own problems? They can make you think you've somehow changed, but you're still the same priceless soul blocked inside your body. That's why I fought with Emily today and I regret it so much.

But this... all of this... I've been through it before and look at me being through it again. Using "before" and "again" shows the appearance of a break, shows that's possible to get a break, which is relieving.

Balance.

Everything will balance at some point and I've grown to learn that. I've had my best moments and my worst, but they've always got balanced at some point. A bad one, a good one, a worse one, a better one, a horrible one, a wonderful one.

Balance. Again.

The waiting can be challenging, but the feeling you get as a reward after you go through it, the pride you have in your chest when you know: You've done it, are worthy to get.

Feeling on cloud nine and completely proud. That's what I'm always looking forward when I'm feeling low, because that's what feeds my fears, my sadness and my judgment.

Balance.

That's what I'm looking for right now.

But I don't think I can find it in my room at the moment. Everything here is lazy, everything seems gray and monotone. I need something to make me feel like I'm not trapped in my own thoughts in a small my room, looking at a blank ceiling.

I got out of the bed to look at the rainy night weather outside the window. The rain droplets are pouring gently on the glass, barely making any sound. I look down on the street, but the only thing that's catching my attention, beside the lampposts, is my car.

I'll go for a drive, it can help me temporary clear my mind.

I take my purse with some of the things that I need, and get outside. I put my hood on to avoid wetting my hair and get in the warm car. I love this kind of weather, warmth with rain, such a good mix. I turn on the engine, but can't pretend I'm not getting bothered by the sound of the automobile signaling me I don't have so much petrol left.

God, if you're here, make it fill in by itself, I don't want to go to a petrol station at night. That's such a creepy place at that time.

God?

No?

Nothing?

Fuck it, anyway.

I push the acceleration and start moving my car.

Will this drive really help me or will it be as sad and boring as the atmosphere in my room? I turn on the music and search for a good radio station. Great, found the perfect one. At the sound of the familiar song called "Apocalypse" by Cigarettes after Sex I relax more in the car seat and let out a sigh of relief. Finally something more chill and not full of drums, trumpets and electric guitars which fill my mind with some sort of chaotic energy that I don't need right now.

I'm slowly driving to the petrol station which is close to one of the entrances of the city I'm so familiar with but at the same time feel like everything is so foreign in, Los Angeles. A shaken up world, really.