The Moon and the befouled mirror

Attraction

He sparked something in me and excited me in ways not many boys have. Yes I have had dozens of crushes, but only a few really made me feel. He questioned me and my decisions and made me reflect more than even some of my closest friends. A lot of people can listen and nod and agree with you, because that is what they view as loving, but the ones who ask specific questions make me feel valuable. The whole night I was itching to talk to only him, to stop time and grab him into a bubble where only we existed. Where time evaporated and we could choose to exchange words simply and slowly without people ushering me to the right and left. That was the fantasy, but not my reality at the time. I had to welcome guests, answer questions, say hello, say goodbye. But by the end of the night a lot of the people had left
and I was left with my close friends outside of the cafe sitting on plastic and wooden chairs. We were talking about the most random things. Religion, literary books, courses and partying. Finally I sat next to him and asked about his plans. He told me he was going to Barcelona to do sports. professionally in a few months. He had a doctor's checkup before leaving. He was excited, but I was disappointed. Hiding it from my face, I smiled the best fake smile I could paint and congratulated him.
The night ended and I was in my mom's car with one of my best friends Athena.
-I felt something again. I felt something again!-I whisper shouted to her, not wanting my mom to hear. Me and my mom were very close but at that moment I didn't want her to know.
-Selene, I am very happy for you, so please don't take this the wrong way, but don't get your hopes up. I don't want you to get hurt or disappointed. You have had a hard enough summer and you're senior year has just started.- I knew this was what she was going to say. Same old Athena. I love her to death, but sometimes I wish she could just jump for joy with me and stop thinking about what was to come, though I did see her point of view. I do jump to good or bad conclusions many times, leaving me feeling too much and exhausted and than comes the breakdowns or silence for a couple of days. Sounds fun right? I missed so many days of school last year, that my form teacher came up to me at the end of the year and told me:
-You know you can't to this next year too. - with a stern look on her face, but a fake smile plastered so that I would still like her.
-Yes of course - I answered with confidence, having no idea how traumatic my summer will turn out.
Anyway back to my conversation with Athena.
-Athena- I whined- just be happy for me for the love of God.
-I am, I am, you know I am. I am
saying this out of love for you, so you don't get hurt again, but I am happy if you are - she said giving me her beautiful smile.
A few days later I wrote to him on messenger. And he answered!
He had told me during the my exhibition that he was also writing a book so I brought that up in my message to him. Asking if I can see it, before he leaves the country.
We agreed to meet at his parents extra apartment, but not at him home. Weird right? My mom was a bit worried since she knew about the whole p*rn situation (i was really hurt after he would not answer my messages for months and told her..oopsie), but I convinced her I'd be fine and she let me go. I prayed that I wouldn't get raped and met him at the tram stop.
He was awkward at the beginning, but luckily i blabber like an idiot when i am nervous.
We made small talk and than i saw his piano. I played a little nervously, than he ordered food. I was too nervous to eat in his presence. A boy watching a fat girl eat. No thank you. We shared songs we liked. He lay on the floor while closing his eyes letting the music enter his body. And so did I. He understood the comfort of a certain melody, he understood how a harmony cut unknot your thoughts and emotions while giving you another rope. It was so funny, how mid-sentence he just stopped and felt the music. Like someone he loved was calling him. Like a friend was telling him something important.

Present day

I walk home from work wondering if he misses me. Wondering if he would say sorry if he saw me. Wondering if he's drowned himself in more addictions to forget me or if he's become a better person after my departure. I wonder a lot about him. There are months when he seems meaningless and i understand why i left. But there are also times like these where i daydream about seeing him and getting the apology and i never truly got. I wonder if i was the villain or if that was him. Maybe we both were villains at the time. Who knows?