I Hate That I Need You (Under Major Editing and Indefinite Hiatus)

Chapter 2: Midnight Baking

Trigger Warning: This chapter has a bit of self-harm, hehe. Sorry

Harry's P.O.V.

"Expecto Patronum."

A faint, silver mist illuminated the bedroom before disappearing. Darkness returned to mock me.

"Expecto Patronum."

The Patronus was weaker, like smoke coming from a kettle. It was gone in a flash. I was about to try again when I felt a lump in my throat, and I couldn't speak. And I can't do nonverbal magic yet, no matter how much I tried. I've been practicing for weeks and all I could do was lift objects without saying Wingardium Leviosa. It's an improvement, but they'd always crash to the ground after gaining altitude... like me.

I lowered my wand as well as my head. I'm tired... but I can't go to sleep. I don't want to face my nightmares. Standing up, I glanced at the clock and saw that it was well past midnight. I removed a star-shaped sticker from a pad and placed it on June 4th in the calendar. Another day had passed. It's June 5 now... Malfoy's birthday.

Standing up, I left my bed and tiptoed down the stairs to the kitchen. I slowly opened the cabinets so as not to disturb Kreacher in the other room. He's probably sleeping right now, and I don't want to wake him up. I quietly took butter, flour, eggs, and an airtight container full of cookies I made the other day to the countertop. Back then, I decided to bake the black and white cookies Draco liked, according to Mrs. Malfoy's letter. And I guess it wouldn't hurt to bake lemon curd tassies now and add them to the package for a surprise.

I don't know why, but baking treats helped me get my mind off the war. I don't cook for the Dursleys anymore, so it's a lot more enjoyable now.

Sending the sweets is a different matter, though. I'd rather send them personally to my friends, so I don't have to use an owl, but whenever I think of giving some to the Malfoys... it always makes my chest hurt. I'm too scared to go to them, so I must borrow Pigwidgeon from Ron. And every time I attach a package to his leg, I will always be reminded of Hedwig. It feels... strange not seeing her on my bedside table, or on the window or my shoulder. I miss buying her owl treats and experimenting with different ingredients from the Dursleys' kitchen to see if I could make her a homemade owl treat. It didn't work as I barely had time for that, and I don't think the Hogwarts house-elves would allow me to use their kitchen. Surprisingly, I also miss cleaning her cage. It's gone now, so at least I don't have to stare at it and see its emptiness.

I sighed before opening the bag of all-purpose flour for the hundredth time that week and emptied its contents on a bowl. I guess I need to buy another bag from the grocery store. I stirred the new dough in silence before refrigerating it. Once I finished making and spreading the vanilla icing on one side of each cookie, I returned them to the refrigerator. I then started mixing the chocolate icing, and when I had more than twelve minutes to spare, I grated and set aside half a teaspoon of lemon peel for later and beat three eggs in a bowl.

When fifteen minutes had passed, I took the cookies out of the refrigerator and spread the chocolate icing on the other half before chilling them again. I returned to the eggs and added sugar, lemon juice, and margarine. I placed them in a saucepan and cooked them for fifteen minutes. After removing them from the fire, I sprinkled the lemon peel before putting the filling inside the refrigerator.

Right, the black and white cookies are finished. Now I just need to wait for a few more minutes before rolling the dough for the tassies. I sank on a chair as I watched the second hand of the clock move. I wonder if Malfoy counted the seconds before his birthday. Oh well, it's normal, I guess. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen... eighteen...