Where She Found Herself.

Chapter 1

"That'll do it" Momma said as she closed the back of my crappy green Pathfinder with a sad smile. The floodlight on the garage casting just enough shadow to mask the bags under our eyes. How I convinced her this was a good idea, I'll never know.

     While I technically hadn't lived at home in over a year, somehow we all knew that morning was different... final. It felt like they had just helped me move into my dorm last week. But the reality was that I had dropped out of college at the beginning of my third semester and then announced to my parents I was moving to Pennsylvania. To my surprise they didn't say anything to try and change my mind. I guess when your life falls apart in one fell swoop you kind of get a pass to be impulsive. Though I'm sure they wished I had gotten a tattoo or a belly button piercing. Anything but moving 1400 miles away.

When you're eighteen you do stupid things, like get engaged to your high school sweetheart. You never expect that just a year later he'd suddenly turn on you. But it seems college changes you. I felt the change as soon as we started college that fall. It was small things at first. But I thought it was just personal growth... not drastic change. You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? Yeah well... I'll figure that out later.

     My dad moved closer and wrapped my mom and me in a tight hug. He is so tall he towers over us, his wide wing span making it easy to wrap us both in close and kiss the tops of our heads. I'm not the first of the brood to officially leave the nest, but I didn't even give anyone time to prepare. To them it must feel like I decided last night that I was going.

He hands my mom her coffee thermos and a muffin with a soft kiss before she slides into the front seat. My stomach isn't feeling up to anything as I take my place in the passenger seat. My mom insisted I let her drive me. She didn't want me driving so far in the state I'm in. I can't blame her though. I've been a zombie since I stopped crying.

     When I showed up in my course advisors office Monday morning in my pajamas she immediately knew something was wrong. She quietly helped me drop all my classes and navigate the exit requirements before offering to call someone to come get me. I'm not 100% convinced she didn't mean someone 'professional' instead of my parents.

I would not have blamed her at all. I avoided mirrors, but I knew that my shaggy pixie cut was going in a hundred different directions, the bags under my eyes could carry the football teams' equipment, and my loose stained Cookie Monster pajama pants were not in dress code. To put it mildly, I looked like a Walmartian, and that is so far from my norm. Every time I had caught a glimpse of myself in window I cringed.

Who wouldn't want me? What changed? Why wasn't I enough? Didn't I do everything he asked? I asked myself a million times as I watch my hometown disappear in the side mirror. My mom reached over and patted my thigh.

"Hey kiddo. You gonna be ok?" Mom asks softly bringing me out of the black hole of my thoughts.

     "Yeah" I sigh barely above a whisper "I have to be right?" She smiles warmly at me and we drive with just the sound of the road for the next few hours. There is a gaping hole where my car radio should be.

     Myrtle Springs, Texas to Mt Wolfe, Pennsylvania is a drive we've made so many times that now we don't even really need the map. We take probably the longest way possible every time too. I've always loved the familiar drive through Louisiana to Tennessee then up through the Virginia's to the heart of Pennsylvania. My whole family has always been suckers for the scenic route. We've been driving this route every summer since Momma's parents moved up there eight years before. The beautiful vacation every year almost made the distance between us worth it.

This time though, I barely register the three day trip. I know we stopped and saw all the normal land marks, rest stops, and hotels. Momma tried to make it an enjoyable trip, but I was stuck going through the motions. If we saw anything new along the way I'll never know.
     As the sun was setting on the third day we finally pulled into their driveway. A smile tried to break across my chapped lips when I saw Ma and Pa standing in the middle of the yard greeting us with big waves a wide smiles like we were returning heroes. Even though I only managed a weak wave they wrapped me the biggest hugs before I could even get all the way out of the car. Pa made quick work of unloading my meager belongings before Ma could drag me all the way to the bedroom they'd built for me in the basement.