If you know me from day one or have red at least one of my earlier stories, you'd know that I hate being restricted or caged. And this is why wattpad will remain my safe place and my corner. If wattpad will also turn it's back on me, I'd die. Like literally die.
All that aside, the summary of this rant is my fan fictions will remain here and only here. I'm back and I'm staying. Also I cried while I was publishing all my stories again, I saw some Author's notes and I feel like I just traveled in time back when I was still a student. Even though some of the people who's been with me with my earlier books aren't here anymore, it feels nice to see the comments and reminisce on how simple it was back then.
Even when I have exams and quizzes, I still manage to squeeze writing. Sometimes I give up my sleep just to publish a chapter. Not because I'm pressured to write but because reading the comments made me relax. I always makes me feel like I'm not alone. So I write at least 5k to 7k words for hours just to publish a chapter.
I even ignore my friends during break time. I smile and laugh to myself imagining the reactions on the comments. People knew me as the person who never stops typing and never listens to stories. They thought I was an empty, boring person who has no emotions and no life.
What they didn't know is my life is here.
So for the first time I just wanted a job that involves writing and on the internet.
But slowly, the magic stopped. I wasn't happy anymore. Maybe because I'm selfish and ambitious. People who never get contented tend to look around and want what others have, and that's been me for the past few years.
I stopped writing and I just stopped living in general. Suddenly the simplest things became an obligation, like going outside and talking to people. I'm always working overtime but I can't even support myself with my own salary. At work I'm treated like a replaceable apparatus even though they always call me to back up when someone's absent or someone got tested positive for COVID.
No hazzard pay, no health insurance and a minimum wage. Sometimes I want to burn my license so I will never be eligible for this job ever again.
At home, they assume I'm getting paid enough so they excluded me from the budget. My other siblings get everything they want while I try to survive with my salary. Lol. You can say that it's self pity.
I look at them and their rooms being beautiful stylish and looks like a real room of a person while mine is like a storage room because I can't afford a closet or even a bed frame.
I wake up every morning while they're still peacefully sleeping on their beds. I get back home exhausted and see them lying down again.
It feels like nothing is worth it anymore. Like nothing matters. That I don't matter.
That I'm just prolonging my pain.
I was saving up for a computer because mine was given to my nephew and he broke it. Then someone stole my bonus and my savings. That was my hard work. I worked for it and it was stolen. I skipped meals and gave up spending for that money.
But I guess maybe I don't deserve it, so I just let it go.
I don't want to give everyone this burden but I really want to die. I want to talk to someone but everyone avoids this topic. They say life is good and everything lovely and beautiful but I don't see it.
All that I've witnessed is pain. And I don't want to feel it anymore.
I guess I'm not so relatable after all.
If I ever stop updating, maybe finally I have successfully stopped the pain.
If I ever disappear, my stories will remain here open for everyone. Feel free to read anything you want for free.
