North: 'Twas-
Jack: HOLD IT!
North: what?
Jack: who the hell says "'twas?"
North: it's in the story
Jack: it's old and stupid.
North: it's tradition.
Jack: 'tis it?
North: ... 'Twas the night before christmas and all through the house-
Jack: why is it always a house?
North: what?
Jack: there's kids who live in apartments... How does Santa Claus get to the kids in the apartments Grandpa Northy?
North: ...
Bunny: he has to buzz his ass in. *imitates buzzing noise and North* Santa Claus...
North: and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring-
Tooth: except for the ass fuck in 2B. They're drunk and hitting each other with menorahs.
Jack: oy vey... That's jewish for holy shit.
Other guardians: *trying not to laugh*
Jack: nothing funnier than throwing in a couple of holy shits in the middle of night before christmas huh?
Others: *laughing*
North: not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse.
Sandy: mouse? You wish! You're in an apartment that's a rat!
North: the stockings were hung by the chimney with care-
Jack: and believe me, the room could use some fresh air. Seriously how the hell did THAT tradition start? What? Hanging up dirty laundry and hoping Santa would fill it with goodies *gags* I'd like to suck on this candy cane but it smell like dad's feet!
Bunny: good thing the tradition wasn't jock straps. "Sally what's in yours?" "Nuuuts! And mommy says they're magically delicious!"
North: you all are ruining this story!
Jack: well you're the pervert eating out of your own jock straps.
Sandy: isn't this the part where the kids are sleeping with sugar plums dancing in their heads? What does that mean?? I think they're hallucinating!
Tooth: these apartment children are on drugs...
Jack: Santa's gonna bring me a G.I Joe and a bong!
Bunny: And daddy wants a ho ho ho. It's daddy and the three hoes!
North: with Mommy in her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled down.
Jack: for a big snort of crack! You have to get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering.
North: IT'S NOT BREAKING AND ENTERING!
Bunny: ooohhh keep reading I think it qualifies
North: as I drew in my head and was turning around down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
Jack: he fell down?
North: yes
Jack: and doesn't it say his face was all red?
North: yeah-
Jack: why does no one ever see this??? He is drunk off his ass! This is a horrible horrible story!
North: he was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
Jack: fat, drinking and driving, in a furry gay outfit, covered in soot. He's smoking and you let him into the house because he said he had something for your kids. What the hell kinda father are you anyway???
Bunny: if I were you, I'd check his ID then taser his fat ass.
North: can I finish this story??
Jack: oh please doooo..
North: he sprang to his sleigh to his team gave a whistle-
Tooth: gotta go quick cause there's a cop with a pistol.
North: but I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight.
Jack: Merry Christmas to all and- oh crap I ran over your bike.
