Stories They Never Know

Part 1

There is a girl, trying to be herself and looking for herself every day.  She always trying to be better, gain self confidence, gain self love, wanted to feel loved and feel enough. She never care about what other people talk about her, what others opinion towards her because she knew that she knows herself better than other people but there is always a speech that bring her down to the earth and it is not from stranger, it is not from her best friends.

She distanced herself from these people. Locking self in a room and trying to keep alive every fucking day. She struggle with so many things but never asks for help. This people never know what she has been through but always makes her feels never enough. Highlighting her mistakes instead of what she did right. 

It’s all started when she was in primary school. She got an A on her examination results, she is proud and happy for that little one A that she got. A little girl with bright and sincere of happiness smile on her face, waiting for “him” to come home. Once he arrived, she was so excited to show her results but when he looked at his little daughter’s result, the smile that the little girl put on her face fade away. The other subject grads are getting into his attention. “What is this? This is all you got? Got an A for music? Why does school teach music? It’s just excuses for you to get an A, it is useless.” She is not expecting this to come out of his mouth. That is the moment she knew that she is not enough.

She loves music and that’s what makes her feel so happy and proud of what she got. She always singing, listening to music and she’s into it but all the excitements are gone. That moment makes her being hard on herself. She feels useless, empty and lonely but she still tries with a little hope left inside her. She got 90%, 95%, 85% and she is happy and proud that she made it. She tried to show it to her family but no excitement shows on anybody’s face. Knowing that nobody is proud of her achievement, she started to keep it all to herself. Whenever her examination results are out she'd never tell her family anymore.

And then, she got into secondary school. She is trying to be a perfect person, a never did mistake person and she is upset whenever she did wrong. Because of her mindset of making mistake is not okay. This is what she ended up being. Her past situation, gives her a hard time on her present. No more little innocent girl’s sincere laugh and smile. That little girl was dead. She turned into toxic to herself. She feels never good enough, never feels enough, she lost, hates her life and hates herself.

Sometimes, she missed that little girl she knew and she kept searching for that girl but she can do nothing about it. Pillows and her blanket become her friends at night, witnessed all the grief coming out of her heart, wipe away the tears and comfort her. Bed as the safe spot for her to let everything’s out. She fight every night even thought she loses hope. She stayed alive just to show that she is fine and she is doing great but nobody knows she is dead inside.