ok so like idk i'm gonna use this as a notes kinda but more so as a way to open up i guess? im really tired idk why and i keep lying to ppl it's becoming a problem. like i will tell someone something with so much confidence that sometimes i even believe it's true when really it's a lie that doesn't even make me look better. there not bad lies and they don't hurt anyone but im kinda worried because it's like i can't stop but i really need to. i don't even know where to start because it's hard to tell someone that you've told them over 20 lies for no reason without sounding crazy. ok next i have a best friend we'll call her kayla and we've been friends for like 4+ years but we honestly don't get along and she kinda bothers me. i don't know if it's because she's just really innocent and doesn't get my humor or because we don't have any classes together but when i'm around her it's like when she's gone i become happier? i sound horrible and don't even know if we should stay friends she could honestly do better and she kinda just follows me around to the point where it's annoying like i just wanna shake her and yell "STOP FOLLOWING ME AROUND AND BE YOUR OWN PERSON" like i'm worried she's scared to make friends because we both just started high school and obviously are gonna meet so many new ppl. another thing that sounds really shallow but i've always loved making friends but the vibe she gives off makes ppl not wanna be around us because they know she's such and innocent little goodie two shoes who definitely seems like she would tell on u if u said a single bad word. we had a friend group with another girl but she goes to a different school now and she's kinda the only reason me and kayla are friends so what's the point? am i a horrible person?? i feel like i am but idk. dont even ask why i decided to vent on wattpad of all places but it's kind of a way of being able to tell ppl ur problems without them knowing it's u? it's like giving a speech to an audience while being invisible, the word still gets out but u don't have to deal with anything getting too personal because they don't know u are. plus kayla still calls me her "best friend" and i feel that we're only friends if even that. we just don't make sense i'm a dirty minded atheist who is kinda a bitch and she's the innocent cristian girl who is like the sweetest most naive person i know. her parents like really sheltered her so that's why but ik so many girls that would be perfect friends for her yet she sticks with a group of girls who don't like her that much. (we hang out with all my friends because kayla hasn't made any and they don't really like her) i honestly don't hold it against them because she looks like she gets uncomfortable at the mention of anything unholy which i get but she needs to stop being so damn naive and learn some street smarts. she's like that girl who would go to new york to make it big only to realize she forgot to by an apartment and has no money. i think i should stop talking to her maybe just try to drift because i know if i "dump" her she'll cry and ask why when the only reason i can give her is that we just don't make sense anymore? i know i sound mean but these are honestly just my thoughts being put to theoretical paper and i would never say this to her. there's a girl in our group that i asked about this and she just said we seemed like a good friendship and that kayla really wants to be my friend but idk. i think the fact that i even started planning how ill stop being her friend means i should talk to her about this but i'm scared i'll come out the bad guy because she seems so sweet. we honestly just don't vibe and she acts like i'm a leader of group but she's just stuck in 4th grade like UGH. anywaysss that's all and if u for some reason are reading this... get some sleep because i'm worried for u.
