My 1990's Arranged Marriage

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I am not English but not fully Indian either. First generation.  Born in England, to an immigrant Sikh family, in the 1970's, in a predominantly white, small town.

Growing up I had what I thought was the best of both worlds. My parents were traditional but also happy to take to the new country they were now in. Traveling to Punjab, India throughout my life I can only imagine how overwhelming it was for them to literally travel to another world.  That is how it must have felt. Times have moved on and the whole world has changed and is more accepting of other cultures and beliefs. But when my parents arrived in England it was new for everyone.

Mum said the smell of boiling vegetables used to remind her of hospitals and the thought of a roast chicken used to make her wonder why spices were not used. Now she loves a Sunday carvery. And I can only imagine what our new neighbours thought of the smell of frying spices and ginger and garlic on a daily basis.

I never felt different in any way to anyone else. I had my home life that was Indian and I went to school where all my friends were English. For school I either took sandwiches or paid for a school dinner. At home we had traditional food mostly but Friday was fish and chips night from the chippy and Sunday brunch was a full English. For those times in the 1980's that was considered moving with the times. I knew of Sikh families who ate nothing but traditonal food apart from their children having school lunches.

I had some Indian friends. They were children of other Sikh families who went to the same temple as us. We all grew up together in a strange way. We saw each other most Sundays at the temple and once we at an age of around 13/14 years old our parents were given excuses of exams and studying so those friendships dwindled off. A few of us stayed friends until were married and went to live with our in laws. Oh and after about 12 all my friends were female. I said hello to the boys but it was normal to keep my distance as teenage hormones raged and it was seen as no longer acceptable to mingle with the opposite sex.

Like any girl of course I fancied boys whether it be at school or at the temple or from the tv and of course bollywood. It's not something we talked about at home. I kept it to myself and dreamed as any teenager did of their crushes.

What I did know though, without anyone actually coming out and saying it was that I knew I would have an arranged marriage, to a Sikh man of the same caste as us. It's something I picked up as I grew up and as far as I was concerned there was nothing wrong with it. It was just something that was accepted. You married someone your family chose for you. You trusted your family and assumed of course they chose someone who was compatible with you and you would be happy with as they would be with you. All Bollywood films had happy endings no matter what the beginning or the middle was. So why would my life be any different?

I was happy growing up. My upbringing was a combination of influences of the east and west. I had an older brother Karan who like any sibling was annoying and always thought he knew better but times were different then. You were told something and you did it. Even if it was an older brother. He was older so was automatically listened to. And he took on the responsibility of me without question.  It was a way of life. No-one was ever nasty or horrible but the word 'no' was hardly ever used, especially not to your elders. We were cheeky as siblings and were in our own way good friends. We still are in all honesty.

Mum and dad were just that, mum and dad. When I was around 10 years old mum started teaching me how to cook. Nothing major but getting chapatti dough ready and generally helping more in household chores. By the time I was 14 I could cook a full Punjabi dinner for 20 people and keep my home clean top to bottom as well. Karan did things too but they were more male based ie gardening and DIY. All this was just accepted as any family home we went to it was the same so it was nothing different. Automatically the females gravitated towards the kitchen, cleaning and housework whereas the males chilled and relaxed and were looked after. Not that they were lazy. Dad worked so hard 5 days a week and often went on overtime on Saturday at the garage he worked at as a mechanic. He was trying to learn the trade and eventually went on to own 3 of his own garages. He was a genuine success story of how immigrants worked hard and became a part of a society that at one time was alien to them. But once he was home he was not expected to contribute to the cooking, cleaning or washing up just as Karan wasn't.  But he maintained the garden and any other 'fixing' jobs that were needed.