My 1990's Arranged Marriage

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By age 16 I was a lot more wiser.  Not in the adult sense but by watching and listening more intently I had learned to read between the lines.

Society's opinion and consent was such a big part of how we lived our lives.  No-one actually said how we should live or what we should do but just knowing something would be frowned upon or talked about, dictated our actions. 

Until the 2000's girls were not allowed to cut their hair or wear make-up until they were married.  And it was mostly because society would talk about how your daughter was out of control and who would want to marry a girl like that.  Now in 2020 its not even an issue but in the 90's even a girl trimming her hair would be a topic of discussion.  They said a girl wore make-up for the first time on her wedding day because it showed her full beauty for the first time and her first step into adulthood.  And if she wore it as an unmarried girl then she was trying to attract male attention and potentially bringing shame on her family by showing she was no longer in their control.  And who wanted a wife or daughter in law who had a mind of her own.  In all honesty I didn't want to wear make-up until I got married as mum said once I was married I could do what I wanted when I wanted.  She made it sound like it would be worth the wait to live my life how I chose.  What she didn't say was that society and in-laws would continue to dictate how I lived pending on what they found acceptable.

The thing that really baffles me is that it was women oppressing women.  Having been daughters and then wives and daughter in laws themselves, why would they inflict the same behaviour on someone who was now in the same position as they were once?  Did they not have dreams of their own that did not come true? Or was that hitting the nail on the head?  If I did not have the life that I wanted then neither will you.  Why would another woman intentionally stop another from having the freedom she may not have had?  Culture does not dictate this, even though it is blamed.  This is a conscious behaviour of one human to another.

As time went on I saw women who had married men from our town come and with them I saw them getting more modern.  Because even though they were married they were still not allowed to cut their hair or even let their hair loose.  A bun or pony tail was accepted but even a clip in the hair allowing some hair loose was talked about.  As years moved on I saw the odd fringe or a few tendrils and to me those ladies looked like Bollywood actresses.  It was nothing really and up to today I never understood what short hair on a woman had to do with them being a bad person.  Again it was another of societies unsaid rules and misconceptions of what was acceptable and we went along with it as we didn't know we had a choice.

In spring we went to a wedding. It was for the son of a Sikh family we were particularly close to as they were from the same village as us from Punjab.

I think this was when it truly hit me how my life really was not my own and no matter how modern I thought my parents were,  society pressure ruled.

It was nothing different to any other wedding but as we were closer to the family we were a lot more involved than normal. It is normally a 3 day process with Friday and Saturday as pre-wedding parties and festivities and the main even on Sunday starting at the temple and ending with the party either in a community or school hall. So instead of just turning up on Friday with my family I was able to contribute throughout the week up to the wedding. Luckily it was during my school Easter holidays so there were no time restrictions. I spent the first week of the holidays helping prepare for the wedding and the second week recovering from all the fun I had had.

The bonus was there was no dinner to be prepared at home every night as it was assumed we would eat at the wedding families house until the wedding was over. I miss those days where there were no formalities of being invited somewhere to eat dinner. Whose ever house we were at was where we would eat once it got to around 6pm. The women would just start talking about food and that was that. And even though I was helping throughout the week it was as though I was on holiday. I still hoovered and cleaned and prepared breakfast at home but around midday I walked to the wedding house a few streets away. Mum was at work as normal but had taken Friday off so I felt quite independent having to manage my own time for once.