Oblivious

Oblivious 2

It all started when I was in grade 5. All my friends left. I woke up one day and they just left or stopped talking to me. Nothing really else to say. I was sad and lonely but it happens and I was optimistic at the time so I still hoped they would come back. They never did. When I passed into grade 6 I still had no friends so I found a different way to spend my time. Man hunt. I would play with the guys at lunch all the time. It was fun but one day while I was 'it' and chasing this boy Carlos his sister thought I was picking on him. Right away she got her friends and started yelling and pushing me around saying we have to fight. The bell rang for us to come in so in a way I was "Saved by the bell." The next day at lunch when I was walking around the field the girl and her friends from before approached me saying it was time to fight.

I was kind of confused but once they punched me the first time I got the memo. They got I believe 4 more shots in when I slammed the first girl in the face watching her fall to the ground and start crying over her bloody nose. Her friends just looked at me and some even backed up. I did feel sorry for her but I chose not to show emotion at the time. A few other girls tried to go at me when I tripped them and they fell on their faces.

The rest just ran away while the ones on the ground cried acting like they were going to die. First time I ever punched someone and first time in a fight. I liked it. After that sometimes I would piss people off on purpose just to fight them. I gained blood lust. Wanting to hurt someone and see them bleed really got me pumped up. I would laugh after they fell down and if I got punched hard I would just laugh until my lungs hurt and I could not breathe. It was really fun but because I was now the strongest girl in the school I had no one. I was not allowed to play man hunt with the guys anymore and everyone else just stayed away scared I would beat them up.

I was lonelier then before and it was my entire fault. Around the end of grade 6 I was on the computer in my room on YouTube watching Cupquake, a gamer I like, and she started talking about someone she knew that tried to kill themselves. Course I never knew someone could do that and of course I thought it was stupid so after watching her I looked it up. I typed in 'what is it called when you want to kill yourself.' The first thing that came up was suicide. I clicked on it and a page with lots of writing showed up. Black background white letters. I started reading and it was a post for a girl named Cassie. She was saying suicide is mostly from depression and depression is from being lonely, forgotten, sad, lots of other things too. Most of the symptoms she put could relate to me. Then I got to the end were she had a video of her crying. She was talking about how sorry she was and that she can't handle it anymore and other things but half way through she grabbed a knife.

She smiled at it like it was an old friend and rested it on her wrist that was now turned up to the ceiling. She closed her eyes and dragged it along and made a loud sigh. She then looked up at the camera and smiled showing the deep cut now dripping blood. "It feels better than it looks." I made a face and closed out of the computer trying to forget what I saw. That night it was almost impossible to sleep, the relief on her face from the cut made me a little confused. To forget one pain we must inflict another. That was a saying on a wall in the girl’s bathroom. I had no idea why that came to mind at the time but when I fell asleep I forgot all about it in the morning. When I went to school I would look at people's wrists more. In the bathroom I paid attention to the words on the wall and just see who would look at them a little longer thinking about them.

After the day was over I looked for the website with Cassie on it. I found her video and would watch her over and over again. Watching the blood flow from her wrist and the knife slide softly along, and the face she made that I though was a little weird would start to convince me more and more until I thought it would be ok to slide it along my skin. At that second I had one of my blood lust moments were I needed to see real blood but since I was at home alone I needed to do something or I would lose it. I walked down to the kitchen and pulled out a small stake knife but released the teeth on it would rip my skin open not slide along so I found a bigger knife in the knife rack and walked back up to my room. I sat on my bed with a towel on my knees and did what Cassie did.

I shut my eyes and pushed down on my wrist feeling my skin part for the sharp metal to slide in and then dragged to the right feeling the burn and small stabs of pain run through me. Once I opened my eyes I was a little disappointed at how shallow the cut was. I really did think I was pushing it in far enough. I did it 3 more times and then cleaned myself off in the sink, then went to bed. When I work up I looked at my wrist and sighed at the scabs. I knew I would have to wear a sweater all day. I guess that’s another thing, after I started to cut I would always wear a sweater. If I had fresh cuts or old ones, if the weather was hot or cold, I would always no matter what wear a sweater. 

It felt good not showing my body and I liked when people had to guess what I looked like under the big sweaters. They had no idea if I was fat, thin, busty, or flat. They had no idea and I guess it made me feel safer. All my feelings changed from one to another the moment I met John Dykemen.