Unsent letters

Maybe in another life

Maybe it's best that it ended this way. That way no one else has to get hurt. Though I know I'll miss you. Your smile, your laugh, I'll miss everything about you. I keep having to tell myself it's for the best, we were messy. We were painful and toxic. And neither of us would admit that, maybe that's why it hurt so much when it ended. I still remember the sweet nothings you'd tell me at 3am, words sweeter than honey. How you'd make me melt under your touch, like ice cream on a hot day. You felt like home. For a long time you were home.

Until you weren't.

Until you hurt me.

Until you risked it all for nothing.

Then you felt like a weight dragging me down into the ocean. You were suffocating. And I knew it would happen. The signs were there, but you were everything I wanted in that moment and more. You were everything I thought I needed.

Oh but how wrong I was. How wrong I was to trust you so blindly. This happened before... Yet somehow I managed to forget that. I think what hurt most was how blunt you were about it, I guess when people say the truth hurts they mean it. And even now, years down the line, I still can't forget about you. The way you made me feel, the way I felt like I've known you for thousands of lifetimes. And maybe we did know each other in a past life, maybe in a future life we can live happily.

When circumstances are different.

Where maybe, both of us aren't so broken. 

I can only hope that there's a perfect world where we can be happy together and live our lives the way we always wanted to. The way we talked about living during those long conversations under the stars. Those nights we spent talking for hours, never running out of things to say. The smile on my face and yours. Those beautiful blissful moments were more than enough to make me wish we could stay in those moments forever. But the harsh reality of life would always hit back soon enough. 

Those memories are an addiction, in some way, once you remember one, you fall down a rabbit hole of more. Maybe I just want to punish myself. Maybe I want to feel pain, because without it, I feel nothing at all.

Empty amd cold. That's my current life without you.

I think this is my way of getting my head on straight. Writing letters to you, knowing they'll never be sent. Unless I one day change my mind, though i doubt that'll ever happen. Thats all for tonight, I've stained the paper with my tears. My heart can only handle so much Alex. Why wont you let me forget about you.

Or maybe I'm not allowing myself to forget you. After all, your unforgettable.

With love,

Sam