Your Mind Is A Stream of Colors (ReaderxJosh Kiszka)

Chapter Three

Later on in the evening after the parents went to bed and you had gotten all caught up with your friends, you were sitting on the grass beside the fire that was still going drinking one of the beers that Josh had handed your way.  He was sitting beside you while the other three guys had pulled out their guitars and were playing. Ronnie was sitting between Sam and Jake on the other side of the fire with Danny to the left of them, leaving you and Josh some semblance of privacy. The temperature had cooled off considerably as the night went on, but with the sound of the guitars playing and the calm atmosphere, it was like nothing had ever changed. 

You took a long pull from the bottle, finishing it up and setting it to the side of you.  Josh had been closer in proximity to you than you ever remembered him being before, but you weren't upset about it.  All you had to do was shift slightly to the right and you would be touching him.  It made you feel safe and guarded and for whatever reason, there was something else flowing between the two of you.  The teenage crush you had on him growing up was alight more than ever and you couldn't help but ponder if he felt it too. 

He had been stealing glances at you all night when you were talking to Sam and replenishing your drinks as you finished them.  There were a few moments where he unnecessarily walked behind you and rested his hand on the small of your back as he passed. His light touch sent shivers up your spine which you were absolutely sure he was aware of by your body's response.

It was nice being surrounded by your friends again, however, there were words still meant to be spoken about the past.  Sure, you were sharing good times with everybody, but there was a sense of disconnect despite everything.  It was very conflicting for you.  You felt loved and valued by the people around you, but at the same time, there was a nagging feeling in the back of your mind that said it wasn't quite perfect yet.

You looked through the roaring flame that separated you from the others and reminisced inwardly about that day, once again.  It was a familiar, distant kind of pain that you had grown used to.  It was comfortable in the way that the feeling of betrayal didn't sting like it did when you had to first live without them, but instead it had grown into a dull pain that you felt deep in your heart.  Throughout the years, you had come to terms with what had happened and the moment you had pulled up to the cabin hours before, you had told yourself that no matter what kind of situation you found yourself in, you would let the past be the past.  You were moving forward.

A light and quick pressure flitted along your shoulder and you felt the slightest shift in the air around you as Josh got up.  You turned your chin up to face him as he began walking away from the fire.  He briefly peered behind him to look at you and with a slight motion, he cocked his head for you to follow him.  He was walking slow so it didn't take long for you to match his pace.  Josh's hands were shoved deep in the pockets of his shorts as he stared into the darkness before the two of you.  It was a quiet walk and not long by any means.  He led you down the hill that was overgrown with bluejoint grass and finally stopped by the river bed.  He stood there silently with you beside him as you both stared into the water before you.

The soft trickling sound of the current carrying the water over and around rocks in the shallow surface filled your ears. Mating calls of tree frogs joined the chorus while an occasional hoot from a hunting owl would break through the serenity. The high moon shown down brightly as it illuminated the ripples in the river before you and stars dotted the sky like a million glittering diamonds. It could have been romantic if the atmosphere wasn't tense from Josh's presence next to you.

His silence was deafening as he brought you out to the riverbank for whatever reason. You could only assume he wanted more privacy than what the previous location had offered with his family around. The air shifted slightly as a breeze came through and lifted the ends of your hair off of your shoulders. Josh cleared his throat before his husky voice broke through the spring symphony around you.

"Saying sorry will never be enough," he started with such intensity it caught you by surprise.
"Josh, you don't..." He lightly pressed his hand against your arm to stop you. Josh turned to look you right in the eyes. His deep eyes bore into yours revealing such depth of emotion as he continued.
"You're going to say it's fine but it's really not, Y/N. I tried so hard to be fine with everything but the guilt kept creeping in. Every day I thought about how messed up I made you and every day I thought about calling you but I would chicken out because I know how badly I had fucked up."

You took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. So this was the conversation he needed to have in private. You couldn't say you weren't expecting it, but all the same, you didn't think it would happen like this. Perhaps it would have happened organically with the rest of the group over drinks later on in the weekend or maybe Sam would have been the one to address it. Danny even, what with how emotionally responsible he was. Josh was the one who completely and utterly broke you those long three years ago and you ran away.

"Why did you do it?" You questioned as the hairs on your arms stood on end in nervousness.
"I wasn't thinking about how you would feel." Josh didn't skip a beat as he responded. "I was thinking about myself and how much easier it all could have been if you didn't miss us. I couldn't bear leaving you alone to wait."
"I missed you every day." Your voice was barely above a whisper.
"I know," he breathed out. He reached out to wipe away the single tear that leaked out of the corner of your eye. His thumb lingered on the soft skin of your cheekbone as he spoke again.
"Ronnie told me. I just need you to know that I don't feel that way and I never did. What I said was bullshit and if I could take it back, I would in an instant.  The if's don't matter and they never will because what happened already happened but we can move forward if you're willing."  Josh rambled.
"It won't be the same, Josh."  You looked down at the tassel on the end of his beaded necklace.  "How do I act like nothing ever happened?  I was lost and had to find myself again without you guys."
"Y/N, please look at me." Josh moved his palm to the side of your neck, just below your ear and cradled your jaw with the length of his thumb.  Your eyes locked.
"You are so much stronger than you realize and I'll be damned if anything changes.  I can't speak for anyone else, but trust me when I say that you're not going to lose me again."

Josh pulled you to his chest then where you tucked your face into the crook of his neck.  His skin was cool against your cheek but not in an uncomfortable way.  The contact sent chills down your spine and your head felt a bit dizzy as his hands came to rest low on your hips.  It was an intimate hold and not at all like how Sam or Ronnie would ever hug you.  It was sensual in the way that lovers would connect with each other.

In that moment, you knew that things were different between the two of you.  Never in your life had Josh ever been so tender, so open with you.  He was vulnerable which wasn't something you remembered him being very often.  Josh was always overly confident and on the borderline of cocky with a constant goofy grin on his face. 

Whether he reciprocated your ever-growing feelings for him was yet to be revealed to you but to feel so loved right then was all you needed.  You could spend forever in his arms and be perfectly content.  The sense of unease and disregard that you had felt the last few years had entirely dissipated.  The shadows of emotions once felt where ghostly to you now where the emptiness was filled to the brim with overflowing bliss.  You couldn't stop the smile that spread across your lips if you tried.