Coming Out: My Story

Cassandra

"I'm going to ask her out today," I said looking it the mirror, gripping the sides of the sink. "You've got this, your friends already know you're gay. You just need to ask her out." It's not like my mother would let me actually take her out on a date though. She doesn't even support me dating a boy much less a girl. I do have some ideas for us though, but I will have to sneak out. It's the only way I can socialize at all. I'm not allowed having friends and in never allowed leaving the house without my mother. She's controlling like that.

That's a good thought to start the day with. Per usual.

I pulled my hair back and then started feeling nauseated. I'm going to be getting my first girlfriend today. Hopefully... I'm shaking. Am I going to have another panic attack? Okay, Shy. We've gotta practice what we're going to say. "Hey, Cassandra. I know we haven't one each other long but I really like you and I wanna go out? If not, that's fine. We're all good. Haha." I rehearsed in the mirror. "God, she's going to say no."

"Yeah, yeah she is." Sunny, one of the voices in my head said. Sunny, she isn't always the nicest. I do have voices that are definitely more heinous than her but she's not very kind either. "I don't know why you even try." I usually just try to ignore them but its hard sometimes. At least only Sunny is out. "Shut up, bitch" I yelled, a little too loudly, while I ran down the stairs to the bus. Per usual, I almost missed it and the bus driver waited for me. She knows my mind is always pre occupied and is one of the few people who understand.

I kept rehearsing how the conversation would go if I had my way... And if I didn't. Would she get mad or would it make things awkward if she said no?

I could imagine walking up to her, hugging her like normal, and then asking her about her day. She'd tell me about her latest art project. We go to a career center, you see, and she studies Graphic Design while I study Criminal Justice. I should have studied Graphic Design. Its more me. I only did Criminal Justice to please my mother and follow in my brother's shadow, I mean footsteps.

When she's done telling me how talented she is, which she definitely is, I would gather up the courage to ask her out. But what will I say? I didn't have enough time to rehearse my normal amount so I'm pretty anxious. I usually rehearse a lot more before doing something new or something that makes me anxious. Maybe I should message her and ask her out that way... Yeah. I'll do that now. Before I chicken out.

"Hey... Do you wanna be my girlfriend? I know we barely know each other but I like you"

I hit send before I could start over thinking even more than I already am. Do you wanna be my girlfriend? My God. We barely know each other? I'm so stupid. I could have done something more romantic but its not like I really understand how to romance or even see the appeal of romance... Like at all. Maybe I should have asked Derek, our mutual best friend, for help. "Too late now. Haha. Maybe you should have stuck with being friends. That always goes well," Sunny taunted. I simply rolled my eyes and got off the bus just to get onto another bus to get to the career center.

"Hey, Derek! I asked Cass out." I said excitedly as I sat down, bouncing up and down in my seat. "Wait wait, really?!" He asked with just as much excitement.

"Well, I messaged her but she hasn't seen it yet or responded..." My excitement is already wearing off. I just realized that she rarely checks her social media. I did that so I wouldn't over think but here I am, over thinking. "Derek, she's not going to see it will she?" Great. Now I am feeling a little depressed and anxious and I'm going to have a panic attack. I can feel it. Again...

"No, but I can help you ask her out at lunch. You should have came to me first! Don't worry, I won't tell her." He does have lab with her for the first half of the day, he's an artist too. All of my friends are and so am I. I hope that means he will put in a good word for me or something. I definitely need a wing man. I'm never really the best at socializing. I don't get it and I don't know how to do it. I always come across as creepy or weird or rude or angry for some reason. I don't understand people. Eeekkkk. I'm so excited though! I know I'm excited because I have my "quirks" when I'm happy- I like to move my hands a lot when I'm happy and jump up and down. I'm not sure why but here we are. It's how I know how excited I am and how I gauge the level of my emotions.