oneshots || oneus

‗ ❍「END :: LOVE 」¡! ❞

ship : Seoho x Leedo
word count : 2125
warnings : self isolation, bl**d, panic attack.

Seoho sat in his room twirling his pen staring at the text book in front of him. It was not an argument this time. But rather a "talk" about their toxic traits. He wasn't able to come up with anything. And even that became a stressful process.

Everything happened too fast he remembered all of it but could comprehend none of it. He bit his lip reading and re-reading the same line over and over again. It made no sense.

After a while he just put it down defeated and slumped in his chair eyes fixated on the big board in front of him with all the important schedules.

He was sure that everyone especially his boyfriend would pretend like everything was fine and he'd have to play along to the best of his ability. He didn't want to hide. But every time he talked about something that hurt him, the tables turned against, most of the time unintentionally.

He had been having nightmare upon nightmare but he could no longer speak about it so he decided to simply let it was over him like cold ocean waves on a sandy beach.

He had this deep sinking feeling in his heart. Like the world had stopped completely. Like there was a sink hole inside his chest. They feeling was suffocating and he for sure did not want Leedo's help getting over it.

He began walking behind everyone once again. Their laughter just making the hole inside him grow. He'd just politely agree with whatever they said trying to avoid conflict as much as he could. This was probably not the best way to do deal with the situation.

He stopped giving his opinion even when it was asked. Trying to adapt to more easily acceptable answers like "I'm fine with anything". Was he more annoying this way? He didn't know. Nobody had said anything.

Even though bickering was his and Leedo's way of having fun at times. Seoho found it better to just laugh every one of his attempts off. At first it was not very noticeable, but as time went by, the peace he had created seemed more like a wall to isolate himself.

He would say he had accepted his fate, but in his attempt to not overreact he stopped reacting at all. In an attempt to open up without hurting someone's feelings he found out it was better to just let it all sink into the hole till he could no longer feel it.

He didn't want to make him feel guilty for anything he did so he just stopped talking about his feelings. In an attempt to solve all of Leedo's problems he often forgot to sleep. He wasn't perfect but he tried everything he could to be nothing more than a doll. Hugged him when he asked. Kissed him when he asked.

Was it healthy? Not one bit. Was he happy? Not even close. Did it hurt? More than words could explain. But he chose to keep the pain to himself and just smile because that was the easiest thing to do. 

He learned to manage his problems on his own. Find the solutions on his own. Fix himself on his own. He felt like he no longer needed any one. But he wouldn't want to push away anyone because that would hurt their feelings.

What was he supposed to do? He did not know. All he could do was hope the pain ends. Hope he doesn't have to sleep it out. He was tired of saying "I'm fine" to answer every question. It only made the hole grow.

Nothing he seemed fun anymore. Everything was a chore. He could listen to music but it all started sounding the same. He wanted to write a story, but the words were a jumble. Maybe he could sing it out? But the melodies faded into silence. What if he danced. But that requires a lot of energy.

Then it hit him. He could study. Mindlessly read those boring text books. It was beneficial. He'd do so well. And they won't get him excited. They won't give him hope because they are just a cluster of boring every day words explaining things he does not need to know. And they gave the perfect excuse to avoid talking and hanging out.