archive of mine

3:04 AM

Sunday, December 4, 2022 2:43 AM

I think I am genuinely in a place in my life that one would love to call transition. Truth is- it hasn't been the greatest. It's been rough. I am in this odd spot where I am saying goodbye to odd parts of myself and life that I wanted to be rid of, but at the same time in a deep state of grieving parts of myself due to not knowing what will replace them or what those parts of myself will become next. It is weird how you can spend so much time fighting and dedicating yourself to a changed life and changed habits for a better future thinking that you will be the proudest and happiest you have ever been once you are not that person anymore. Then, once you finally succeed in killing those parts of yourself and become the person you have been dreaming of or are finally able to succeed on being on your way there, it is still difficult to let go of those ugly parts of yourself that you felt were holding you back.

Of course, you do not want to back to that person- I mean you worked so hard to grow- but you realize that there was a beauty in it. By it, I mean a beauty in the uncertainty, a beauty in the journey, and a beauty in that authenticity of facing, embracing, and forgiving the ugliest parts of yourself that you had allowed to shape you for so long.

And although you are grateful for the growth and thankful for how far you have come, there is still a feeling of melancholy that settles in for that person you were. Even if that person you once were will always be a part of your story and a part of who you are, they do not exist as present you. Because even the ugliest parts of you and your journey had parts you loved, moments you enjoyed, laugh you will miss, memories that will always be deeply engraved including those moments to yourself where your world was falling apart and you had to pull yourself back in.

So hopefully you reach that point where you will give that part of yourself that grace, too. So to that me, I love you, I show you grace, and I let you go. I just hope you know that you always were and always will be worth it.