archive of mine

12:55 AM

Tuesday, January 3, 2023 12:28 AM

I have been beating myself up really bad for slacking off the last couple of weeks. Most of 2022, I forced myself into having more discipline and gave myself deadlines/list of actions to complete (early or by deadline) and I would knock things off my list one by one. Mainly because of the stress and pressure I was under during the time. But recently I have been granted a moment of relief/relaxation and I did the very thing I said I would not do as soon as that moment came - slacked off.

Now, does this mean that I do not truly want the things I had been working on? No. Old habits just die hard. While I understand the if you want something bad enough, you will work nonstop for it argument I often think that way too many people leave out the realistic idea that we are human and at times we will fall short regardless of how bad we want something. Am I saying I should not hold myself in higher regard and responsibility? Not at all, after all I am writing to myself and voicing myself to gain that understanding/analyze my thoughts and get back on track. This is what I call having grace for myself and my mistakes.

I say that to say, there was a point where I was not accomplishing as much as I am now. I was just winging life. There was no such thing as a To-do list or planning ahead of time and everything I was managing I was managing in my head and often not really getting anything done. I did not take this time to manage my thoughts and organize them which led to my brain carrying more weight and stress and I was often very forgetful of things that I had to get done. Yes, I have more growing to do but first I just want to acknowledge how much I have grown as a person compared to where I once was. I imagined the person I wanted to be and their daily habits and the changes they would make and slowly started moving in that direction while being patient with myself because I understood that real growth truly takes time.

As the year 2023 starts, my work begins with my fear of success. I realized that most of the time when I am on the brink of truly making it where I want to be I tend to start shying away and slacking off. So, it is not that I do not make it because I cannot, there is a part of me that avoids it every chance I get. I am not sure where this fear comes from, but I have been avoiding it for some time now, so I guess it is time to do a deep dive into this fear and figure out where it is coming from and why there is apart of me that is intent on holding myself back. I think my biggest hope is that I will overcome it this time and step into everything intended for me. Time to come out of this funk I have been in. Here we go, 2023. Be good to me.