Vent

oh

Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong.

Then I realize it doesn't matter at all, as I tried, I really, really tried to change for you. I gave everything I had in me to match that dream, that fantasy of yours but I still get that same look.

And I think to myself, maybe I will never be able to meet your expectations because I am physically incapable of doing so, I'm incapable of being loved by you as I am not enough.

You walk past my side and even though you smile when I look at you, I realize just how much disgust lies in your eyes.

Do you wonder if I know? Would you even feel guilty if you knew?

You regret it, you regret me, I know, and I certainly can't blame you as I would do the same. But it still hurts.

Why does it hurt that much?

Ever since I can remember that look has been in your eyes, that expression in your face.

I don't belong with you, we both know it, we both know we hurt each other and I can't be sorry enough.

I know I'm a disappointment to you, I know I'm something you have to put up with and I am so sorry.

Do I even have a right to be mad anymore? Please, please tell me I have.

I tried to get along with you and I'm still trying but it just feels like I'm walking on eggshells around you, having to be careful with what I say so you don't get angry.

I love you so much but I can't live like this, I can't hold on much longer.

I'm scared to speak to you, I'm scared that you might be in a bad mood and I just make it worse and it just hurts so much.

I'm always the one who tries to speak to you, I'm always the one who hugs first and sometimes you don't even hug me back and I am so tired.

I wish you just simply cared about me the way I do, I wish you would ask about my day and be willing to listen when I speak, I wish you were as loving as I am and I wish you would just talk to me because you wanted to and not because I did first.

I feel like the chore, the thing that you must take care of even when you hate it, the thing you just wish it went away.

I love you so much but you're hurting me so much.

I want you to love me because you want to and not because you have to.

It's all happening so fast and I'm scared, mum. I want to talk to you without feeling like I'm bothering you more than anything.

I'm trying to do better for you, I'm trying to BE better for you but I can't and I don't know why.

Sometimes I wonder if all the things you said you would do and then didn't are on purpose just because I'm something you don't like to bring alongside you.

Sometimes I wonder if you could stop treating me like I'm stupid and just tell me what's up.

Sometimes I wonder when will you finally be truthful.

And most important, I wonder when you will start taking care of me again.

I promise, I swear I will be out of your life as soon as I can so you can finally live the life you want and not bother about the mistake you have to carry on your back. But please, please, just for now take care of me, please.

I want to be happy and I'm trying, I really am but it just feels like I'm not destined to be, like I don't deserve to be.

It feels like I'll grow up having this long list of "things I always wanted to do but couldn't" weighing on my back for the rest of my life and it scares me so much.

As you may know, I am not interested in living a long life, so I don't really plan on doing it. I don't plan on getting married, I don't plan on having children of my own, I don't plan on moving to a not cheap-not expensive home and spending the rest of a long life caring for the same couple I had years ago and the children which I did not want in the first place.

And it just feels like I am going to live a life of regrets for things I couldn't do. And to live such a sad life I think I would rather not live at all.