~ Book Of Thoughts ~

Anxiety..

(TW TW TW TW !!!!!!! If the topics of panic attacks/anxiety trigger you, DO NOT READ THIS
Thank you <3)

  Anxiety.. what is anxiety.. ?

Anxiety feels like you're stuck in a room, a dark room. 
Where the walls feel like they're closing around you, caving in on you. A
You're gasping for air, but nothing comes out of it. Your thought's are racing. 
You can't focus properly. Your hand's get all sweaty, and tingly, and it feel's as if you're dying basically. 
It's like, you go out into public, and you take in everything, you take in REALITY, and it over whelms you. 
It's like when you go to order food, by yourself as a kid, and you can't get anything out because you're to nervous, to shy. So you're left to stand there stuttering over your word's because you can't find the proper ones.
It's like, when you are in school, or out in public, you feel like everyone is staring at you, judging you,  wanting to hurt you. 
It's like you're drowning in a pool of water, unable to reach back to the surface, and all you can do is let the water consume and fill your lungs, unable to breathe. 
It's like, when you go to talk to someone, you're terrified that they are gonna judge you or use you, and so you stay away from people. 
You lock yourself away inside of your room, because you grew up in that room, you cried in that room, you laughed in that room, all you know is that ROOM. 
It's like, you go to talk to your parent's, but talking to them is like talking to a brick wall, pointless. 
Pointless because they can never feel the struggle of what you feel. It's like talking to yourself.
It's like, when you go to lean on friend's, you constantly think you're a bother because that's all people have ever told you. 
And so you push them away, but on the inside you're crying, crying for yourself to stop, wishing you weren't like that. But you can't help it.
You can't help that you are terrified. 
It's like a bully, that one bully in school that never goes away, even when you stick up for yourself, they prod and prod every single day, until it breaks you down into nothing, and all you can do is take it. 
It's like that one family member that's toxic, that nobody ever want's to talk to or be around because all they ever do is cause stress. 
It's like you have all the weight and fear on your shoulders, but you don't know why. 
You don't understand yourself. 
You get panic attack's everyday, and you start to panic more because you think it isn't normal. 
You wonder if anyone else feels the same. You struggle to calm yourself, you wanna be strong, but then you end up failing and having to take medication, or something else. 
And then you blame yourself, you sit and you hate on yourself because you couldn't accomplish what you wanted to accomplish the most. 
It's like, no matter what you do, you can never just relax, you're always stressing. 
You try to distract yourself but it only works temporarily. 
And when you panic, people don't understand, they don't understand that you're body is reacting out of fear, they don't understand that you wan't that space. 
Or perhaps you just want someone there.
All you want is someone to hug you and tell you that everything will be ok. 
Or maybe all you want is someone to say, "I am proud of you." Or a. "Hey , are you ok? whats been going on at home? whats going on in your life?"
But perhaps when you tell them what's wrong, they call you selfish. And so you're forced to keep it all inside. 
It's like.. when you go to your family or friend's about your concerns.. and all they say is "You worry to much", Or, "Stop worrying, its stupid" etc. Because they don't understand, they don't understand that you can't help it. They find it stupid, and so you lock up on yourself, you start blaming yourself again and then end in a constant cycle.
It slowly beats you down, day by day, until you start to lose faith, you lose grip on reality because you've been isolated so long that you don't know what your reality is anymore, but at the same time you face it everytime you panic. 
You feel alone, even if you have someone there. 
It keeps you from doing daily things, going out like everyone else, going places and having fun, until you're left, laying in bed, alone. 
Left alone to think.. "Why can't i just be like them.. Why can't i just live my life like they can..".

(This is the end, i am sorry it was so long, this is just my POV of anxiety and suffering from it for 4 years + , if anyone else is suffering through anxiety, just know, if you really put your mind to it, You can over come it, remember, you are in control of your thought's , it is hard, but you are strong, otherwise you wouldn't have mde it this far, take care of yourself, and remember these thing's. Perhaps write it down in a journal, write down "You are strong, You are enough, You are in control" etc :),  Have a good day/night/afternoon <3, and feel free to share your thought's aswell. )