Quiet & Good (Thomas Raggi)

Chapter 3

A bright light, a wet sensation...his eyes fluttered open. He couldn't see his surroundings clearly...everything was blurry. He felt a cool liquid on his thighs and arms. What was that? He blinked, finally gaining his vision back. He gasped...everything was red. How was that possible...he had only made four cuts, right? Wrong...his whole leg was covered in cuts. Slowly, he sat up, a pounding headache making him groan in discomfort. He had probably passed out due to the blood loss but still, he was wondering how he had no recollection of hurting himself so badly. Was it possible that he had just blacked out completely? Did that count as a relapse? He didn't know. The only thing he knew was that he felt miserable and wanted nothing more than go to bed and never wake up again. How had it escalated so quickly again? He had been clean for so long...yet, he couldn't deny that he had missed that stupid fucking feeling so much, now it almost felt like a reward. He got up, having to hold onto the wall in order to be able to stay upright. The oh so well known nausea he always had after getting up because of the lack of food and now combined with the blood loss kicked in, making him clutch his stomach while retching. Unsurprisingly, nothing came out...he hadn't eaten a lot after all. Tears shot into his eyes and before he knew it, he had sunken onto the ground again, hugging his legs that were now covered in painful scabs. "I'm such a fuck up...I don't deserve to be alive...", he sobbed quietly to himself. He knew he wasn't the only one thinking that way...everybody knew he wasn't worth a damn. Just thinking about that made him dig his fingernails into his skin, hoping to release some pressure by causing pain without having to use a blade...after all, he didn't want to relapse...he was still clean, right? Nothing that had happened was concerning...otherwise somebody would have noticed or said anything...or not? He was desperately trying to convince himself that he had not completely lost control again. He just ignored the obvious signs and red flags, fleeing into his illusion of being completely fine and not needing any help. After the incident with Ethan all those years ago, something in him had changed. Ever since then he profusely denied that he needed help or even had a problem at all. He didn't want to lose his friends just because he was too weak to deal with a little bit of hate...after all, he had almost lost Ethan back then. Nowadays, their relationship was pretty good...they went out partying a lot but that was just a façade. It wasn't easy to keep all those emotions hidden and bottled up inside of him but it was way better than having to admit that he just needed someone to be there for him...that he needed someone to listen to him and maybe give him a comforting hug...and it was way better than being called an attention seeker again. And as much as he didn't want to see it, if you looked closely enough, it was fairly obvious that with everyday he had to fight against his demons alone, he was breaking down more and more. Again, the familiar question spooked through his head: "Would it matter if I just disappeared?" If he just went missing or even killed himself, would anyone actually care? He didn't think so, yet he couldn't get himself to do it. He didn't know why but something kept on holding him back. Maybe it was the last glimpse of hope he had left...the hope that eventually someone would see his pain and understand him...maybe even offer support. He knew the chance of that happening was very slim but it was the only thing that kept him going...the only reason for him to get up every god damn morning. But with every passing day this already tiny spark got smaller and smaller...so, what would happen if it disappeared completely? He didn't know...but the thought of it scared him. Yes, he completely ignored how bad all of it had gotten, yet he knew he was spiraling out of control and straight into depression and possibly suicide. But still, he acted all fine...in the end that was all that mattered, right? As long as he stayed quiet and good everything would be just fine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hey ;)

I am so sorry for my absence but I had lots and lots of things to do, including an extremely important exam. Anyway, I am back with my normal schedule now, so I hope you'll still read my stories :) On Friday, the new chapter for "Angel" will be out, so keep an eye out for that as well.

Anyway, what do you think? Why did he hurt himself so badly? And why can't he remember anything? Do you think he will have to deal with it by himself or will he get help? Let me know what you think in the comments.

Thanks for reading :)

- Thalia