Because We Lied [ON-GOING]

00

Prologue

Every time I look at the mirror, a question leads up to another question about myself. I felt like I've never got to see the world through my eyes because all this time, I've been looking at it through the eyes and minds of people around me. All this time, I lived inside the box in which they've created for me to believe that I truly belong nowhere else but in that box.

Day by day, I feel like I’m just an actress of my own life. I was being directed of who am I, what and which I should and should not do. And if I'll not do at least a thing to stop this cycle, I would never feel like I'm really living my own life. And to feel that, I want to have belief systems, dreams, and goals that I discovered and learned by myself and not by the help of people's memories of my old self.

"Zen, do you really need to this?" I won't stop from entertaining my thoughts while staring myself in the mirror if not because of my sister.

"But if you need someone to talk to, just message or call me, okay?", she added when I didn’t answer her question immediately. Then, I
just nodded as yes. Because at this moment, I'm speechless, and yet, there are so many things running in my head right now. My emotion is indescribable. But I am certain of one thing. I am certain that this is the right thing to do, for now.

They individually talked to me in private to convince me to not push the decision that I've made up a few weeks ago. However, I'm still pursuing it. I assumed, maybe Yvette got sick of my silence ever since she was helping me pack my things almost a couple hours ago, that's why she left me alone. But a few moments had just passed since she left, Mom came into my room while I was zipping the handbag that I'll carry together with my hefty luggage. I suddenly felt the urge to go move fast so she couldn't make a scene anymore but then she hugged me as soon as I stood up from sitting on my bed.

"Sweetie, I always want nothing but your highest good."

I slowly pulled her away from me. "If you really do, you'll let me do this," then I kissed her on her forehead before leaving her in the room. I knew she was crying and God knows how I tried to keep my tears from falling.

Because if things didn't turn in that way, I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to feel lost and bewildered. I wouldn't feel like a stranger of my home that never made me feel like one ever since I opened my eyes. If a single thing didn't turn in that way before, I wouldn't feel an exile of my own body, soul, and spirit.

Instead of doing any act of saying goodbye to them, I just walked past in front of them. I headed outside to wait for the taxi that I booked 15 minutes ago. And while waiting, I saw a familiar car parked few meters away in front of our neighborhood's house.
I'm not just familiar with that car. I also know who's in it. Though I wished that it might be someone else's car, my heart knows that it’s not.

The way that I was holding my things changed as I felt a heat coming up in my head. I want to calm myself down, but the tears that I've been storing up since I walked out of my room fell down. "Pull yourself together, Zen." I talked to myself as if I could really control my tears from falling while watching Dmitri came out of his car and then slowly walking towards me with his head low.

Pathological liar.

Those were the words that popped in my mind when our eyes finally met for a moment. Why does he have to come here? I'm tired. Are the consequences and burden he gave to me last two weeks aren't yet enough? Isn't he tired from making himself feel right and making me feel like the worst person that has ever lived who doesn't deserve to breathe in the same air that he breathes in?

I feel numb. But I can feel that my Mom was sneaking at us through the window in our living room. I checked my phone to see an update from the taxi driver. I wiped my tears carefully when I saw that he'll be in five minutes.

I'm wiping the tears in the corner of my eyes. I can't look at his eyes when he asked me a question. He wanted to drive me to the airport although he knew that I won't let him since I've made it clear to him one week ago.

Last week, I talked to him at this exact location that I'll be leaving them, not to escape but to truly live. And having them around me will never make things right, not even with him – my first love, and the one who made me lose it all.

Moments after, I didn’t even look back although I felt like he was running behind the car. "Ma'am, are you sure we shouldn't stop?”, the taxi driver asked while checking me through the front mirror. Though I want to just ignore him, my conscience made me nod my head to say no.

I couldn’t utter what’s on my mind. I can’t even stop myself from sobbing because there’s still a part of me that doesn't agree to this plan that no one has thought of but I alone.

Honestly, I don’t want to be alone. But, I know in myself that I couldn’t find the joy that my heart has been longing for so long by staying with them. The larger portion of my heart knows it very well. Most part of my heart feels like if I won’t leave this place, I’ll completely lose my sanity and worse, myself. But how could I say that I’ll lose myself if I haven’t yet seen her?

Checking my phone shouldn’t be one of the things I should be doing while I’m having a little
thought of going back to my family but I'm still doing it. When I turned it on, I’ve got 60+ missed calls and messages from him. I was about to open the most recent message when he called.

Maybe, there’s really something wrong with me because instead of turning off my phone to avoid getting any message from anyone especially from him, I answered his call. “Zen? How are you? I’m already here. Are you coming? Can we meet here?” it’s his gentle and compassionate voice which making me cry again. It was the same voice that interrupted me while I was running around our village. And, it was the same voice that challenged me to see and seek answers to difficult questions. Hopefully, the version of myself after five years won't hate me for doing this. 

I said yes.