Before I Go

Chapter One - Em's POV

The chilled autumn air blew through the trees, pushing me forward. Almost like it was encouraging me. It knew what I wanted as much as I did. This powerful wind wanted me to have this wonderful prize that I had well deserved as much as I did. The feelings of the leaves sprinkling down on me, like soft rain in summer, only felt like confetti. Confetti to celebrate my victory, it is up to me to claim it. My backpack slightly weighing me down, slowing my steps, only made the moment last longer.

I wasn't going to miss any of this, despite how happy it was making me. I wasn't going to miss the cycle of the leaves falling, dying, regrowing, and living healthily in the summer sun before just falling again. Just like us humans going through the motions without much point. I wasn't going to miss waking up to another day that would lead to another night that would lead to another day and so on.

I had become so miserable that time had slowed to a pace that I had never felt before. All I was able to do with my time was remember those who betrayed me. Those who were still able to look me in the face and smile as if it never happened. Their smiles shone so bright that they blinded me. I wanted to knock them out to bring out the dark in them, the dark they pretend isn't there. They're scared of it, but I see it in them.

I wasn't going to miss that either, the fake people. I wasn't going to miss any of it. I definitely wasn't going to miss being alive.

I have walked down this street on my way home so many times, but I grew to hate each step of it. Too many memories everywhere for me to ever want to be anywhere. Everywhere I look, I remember it all so well. The heartbreak, the lies, the people... I lean a bit to the dramatic, I suppose.

I entered the lobby of my apartment building, desperately avoiding eye contact with the person at the main desk. They had nothing for me and the party was probably starting upstairs without me already. I always liked the idea of being fashionably late to something. I didn't think it'd be this, but it's something.

I got in the elevator alone. Every time I managed a solo vertical voyage in the elevator, it made me feel like the luckiest person in the world. Adding someone else to any situation, in my experience, only led to disappointment or embarrassment.

I was let out of the metal room on my floor. I looked out the window by the elevators. It was beautiful out there, but my mind was somewhere else. I have asked myself a million times while looking out this window if I were high enough for a simple jump to finish the job. Not high enough, I'd always reply.

"Hey, Em!" I heard a voice call.

I turned around and it was Dean Corliss. He was an extroverted, funny guy who lived right across from me. We went to the same nearby university. He was the kind of guy that made you feel like you were the side character in a TV show who didn't matter because he was the main character. Only he mattered. We hung out for long enough together for me to fall in love with him.

It felt like fate, really. He knew so much of the things I loved. He knew how to play the instruments that I have always wanted to learn how to play, but never did. I always imagined us falling in love during musical lessons. In the end, he told me subtly in his own special way that he didn't really feel the same.

"Hey, Dean. How are you doing?" I asked, trying to match his energy.

"Twenty minutes late for class, see ya!" he said, speed-walking his way to the elevators. He may miss his class, but he won't miss me.

When he walked away, I felt relief as I let my smile deflate. Pretending to smile for people like him had gotten so old.

I turned to face my door like I had so many other times. It feels like I've lived here for an eternity. I almost tried to unlock it out of habit, but I kept it unlocked so all my guests could get inside if I were late, so I threw my keys back in my pocket. I ran my fingers over the paper I taped on my door with my name on it for those who might get lost.

There's no use keeping them waiting for another moment, the party must begin. They can't have their party without their host.

I walked in, a room full of eyes laid on me.