Do We Let Go?

37| At Last

I've found a natural drug for all of my panic, anxiety and anger. It's his voice. It's him.

- J.R. Rogue

It was a terrifying day today. Surprised to say it's not because I finally met with my parents today. But because of what happened after that. As I sat on my bed, inside the safety of my room, all I could do was stare at the mirror in front of me and watch myself pant.

I could just not believe the day I just had.

Events of it replaying constantly in my head, overthinking and over-analysing until my mind kept pausing on that very moment.

***

Two and a half years.

I'd be meeting them after two and a half years of ignoring them, trying to move past the memories of the day we last met, struggling to keep myself together after Zoya's funeral even though all I wanted to do was fall apart. Two and a half years with no support from my parents.

Well, a lifetime of that, but still.

You'd think something that devastating would somehow change their perspective.

Nearly four years since I took a step inside my childhood home. 

Nearly six since I ran away in the middle of night to catch my plane to London to start college.

Nearly eight since I had that teary goodbye with Rehaan, helping him sneak out. 

Nearly ten since the three of us siblings ran around in the backyard, our laughter void of any pain or stress. Just the three of us and happiness.

"Anything I can do to help you calm down?"

I gulped. My throat was parched and I was sweating all over. It was December, though, and my distress knew no bounds. 

"No. Just...just don't leave my hand."

It was my only anchor keeping me grounded right then. We stood a block away from my parents' house, waiting since the past half hour for me to move my feet. But I couldn't.

They were frozen.

It wasn't so much about having to face them, I realised, but much more about the onslaught of emotions I knew I'd be hit with once I would step inside. I didn't even know why I was doing this to myself. 

I wanted to let my parents know about a baby that I wasn't even keeping? Maybe.

I wanted any reason to see them even after everything because I simply missed them? Yes.

Besides, brown girls always had guilt attached to them for taking decisions that agreed and benefitted themselves. I was a victim of that too. I had to tell them, or my conscience might eat me alive that I chose not to tell them something this big.

"I won't. Ever."

He won't. Ever.

I exhaled. "Okay, let's go then."

His grip tightened around my fingers and so we started walking forward with me leading the way. It was just the same, painted in the combination of ivory and green, chipping off at some places, the grass looked freshly mowed like it always did.

"We can leave any time, remember? You just have to say the word."

I nodded.

My anxiety level reached its limit when I rung the doorbell, waiting for one of them to open the door. My feet kept twitching, wanting to make a run for it on instinct, but Zach's hand kept the courage in me going.