The Strange People I've Loved

Chapter 1: No hard Feelings, He has a Gun to my Head

 Strange people exist everywhere, if you know where to find them. A band of us were heading to Nonxry, most of our readers will know it as kepler-186f; just kidding if you know of this planet, you're a nerd with access to a search engine, or lying. We were floating through space on a flying saucer (yes they exist, yes they work, no I cannot tell you how) and the group of us were getting a little cabin fever, although that's an understatement. We didn't have a problem with starvation or not having enough rations, yet somehow, someone had been stealing food, and a lot of it. Fights broke out in what we called the pudding wars, which really just looked like a fistfight in a 7/11 parking lot. Our captain quickly found himself without a first mate in a tragic incident involving peanut butter. Our society began to crumble and it had only been a year.

We had to exit out of a hyperlane and into a regular lane when we got close to non xry, and being without a first mate was obviously suspicious when we got to the intergalactic equivalent to border patrol, when they asked us for our tavel papers we had to search through dave's things to try to find them. You see, my friends, as declared by Galactic law, the first mate on a ship is to take care of all of the paperwork, including the passports and travel papers. The patrol officers thought we were pirates and arrested the lot of us. We didn't even look like pirates, nobody had a peg leg or an eyepatch or said eye matey.

So here we were, a bunch of research scientists, sitting in a holding cell with roughians and criminals. I swear Jerry was shaking like the tail of a rattlesnake and Mik, Mik was the worst of us. He held his head in his skaly hands and cried. He was crying so hard he didn't even seem to mind the rougheans and criminals making fun of his scaly hands, "It's a skin condition, and it's not contagious!" The cell smelled of urine and sweat, and it looked how it smelled. Criminals from all over the galaxy were here. There was even a cyborg cleaning his robotic eye in the corner. The worst part of it all was the guards, The space cowboy, slimy fuck waffles. They walked in front of the cell bars, eating donut holes and taunting us with their freedom. It enraged us. I clutched the bottom of the cool aluminum bench as one of the waffles called his girlfriend to say that he would be able to come home early. Most of us haven't seen our girlfriends in years and Jerry's girlfriend had "miraculously" had three children without him being there once. And my girlfriend, well my girlfriend didn't exist, and that was even crueler than Jerry's bastard illegitimate children. Because I wasn't tied to anyone but my beautiful work, because I had to hook up with the galaxy's most attractive females, because all I had were the hoards of fans who threw themselves at me when I landed on their planets. It should be me who gets Jerry's pity casserole everytime Gretchen has another child without him. It should be me!

After 30 minutes of being in the cell another person walked into the room, he was well dressed and held an electric walking stick although he seemed to be walking fine. The well dressed, blue skinned being called for us and we followed him, thinking he was our designated space lawyer for space court. We were unfortunately wrong. The Blue skinned Well dressed Not-space lawyer, took us onto a very blinged out ship. It had furs everywhere, Female beings in revealing clothing serving food off of golden platters and a fat pale alien sitting on a gold armchair listening to lady gaga. The fat pale alien looked to our Blue skinned, well dressed, Not-Space lawyer tour guide and asked if we were the researchers he had asked for. He beckoned for us to sit down on the small cushions in front of his large armchair. I got the energy that he was compensating for something. The group of us waited. Mik was sweating buckets and peeling at his skaley skin. A purple skinned fungus woman brought a strange creature on a golden chain. It had tusks long like an elephants, a neck like a giraffe and patterned feathers like a tropical bird. It was the size of a small horse. When Mik saw it he leapt forward to protect it, only to be stopped by the blue skinned, well dressed, not space lawyer, tour guide/ henchmen. Mik was forced to sit down on the cushion, the fat pale alien spoke,

" What the hell is this thing?"

"Its name is Brenda, they are a being of my own creation." Mik returned. At this point the majority of us were staring at him. Where did Mik create this creature and how did he keep it hidden for a year on our saucer?

"So there is only one?" The fat pale alien asked, grinning a large, toothless grin.

"Yes, but I hope to invent more so that they can be used as beasts of burden on tropical planets like non xry."

The Pale alien's grin grew into an unnatural size and he said, "I am a bit of a conosur of strange beasts too, walk with me."

The fat pale alien got up, and as he walked his entire body jiggled like gelatin, the folds of his cracked skin slapped together and the repulsive sound filled the room. Mik walked with him down a hallway and out of our sight. Leaving us with the blue skinned, well dressed, not space lawyer, tour guide/ henchmen.

Jerry and I exchanged confused glances before interrogating the rest of the team about the strange creature. It was then put together that it was Mik who stole all the rations and started the pudding wars. All of this talk about pudding made Terry hungry so he opened one of his protein bars. Upon opening the bar however, Mik's strange creature, Brenda, trotted across the floor and stole his protein bar. As the creature munched on the bar it revealed sharp teeth similar to that of a dog. What kind of abomination Had mik invented? Eventually Terry got brave enough to give it a good pet, and with a simple scratch behind the ear the colorful creature had its long neck laid out on the floor for everyone to pet. The blue skinned, well dressed, not space lawyer, tour guide/ henchmen was fighting the urge to join in on the fun. He watched with a tinge of sadness in his eyes.

Mik returned but he was different somehow, He claimed that what he saw was enlightening and that with us around, he was being held back. He wrestled the electric walking stick away from the blue skinned, well dressed, not space lawyer, tour guide/ henchmen and made him fall to the ground. He pressed the top of the Walking stick and it morphed into a plasma pistol. He aimed it at Terry who was still petting brenda.

" Step away from my brenda or I'll melt your face off."

Terry looked at mik with fear in his eyes, "Mik I-"

Before Terry could finish his sentence Mik fired the weapon at him and just as promised, the plasma melted through all the layers of skin and part of the muscle. As Terry screamed we watched his face muscles move, Jerry couldn't take it and vomited all over the pale alien's rug. Dammit Jerry, this is why your wife cheats on you Jerry, you have no guts Jerry.

Mik then turned the gun towards me, " no hard feelings, He has a gun to my head." Time seemed to slow as Mik pulled the trigger, the blue skinned, well dressed, not space lawyer, tour guide/ henchmen tackled Mik to the ground as he fired the weapon, instead of hitting me, the plasma hit the pale alien and burned through some of the fat on his belly. Luckey for the alien, he was fat, so the plasma did not burn any of his vital organs. Mik and the blue skinned, well dressed, not space lawyer, tour guide/ henchmen wrestled for control of the walking stick pistol. And the blue skinned, well dressed, not space lawyer, tour guide/ henchmen won. While both Mik and the pale alien were incapacitated the blue skinned, well dressed, not space lawyer, tour guide/ henchmen helped us escape.

We boarded our ship and found ourselves with a new captain, the blue skinned, well dressed, not space lawyer, tour guide/ henchmen. Not that Terry was dead or anything. Just that we didn't think he was as cool after getting half of his face melted off and his eyeball goo all over his uniform. Embarrassing. You see my friends, Strange people exist everywhere, if you know where to find them.