the aftermath

a letter of accepting and forgiving

07102021

To: <3

"I like you"

Those were the words I wanted to hear but never expected to.

Staring at the screen, my thumb danced, moving back and forth between the alphabets to the backspace button with their own choreography, trying to form sentences for a reply.

That's the problem.

I can't

I'm taking way too long. It's been 5 minutes, I need to send something.

At least something.

"Are you serious?" Great reply. For an idiot.

I watched as the three grey dots played a few rounds of pee-ka-boo, doubting whether it was a dream or a prank.

-

Did you remember that? I did.

I remembered everything, which is way too much. I remembered what date it was, I remembered how you started the conversation, I remembered how you apologized for dragging me into your responsibilities. And I remembered how you made me feel.

Of course, I didn't immediately say yes when you asked, instead I asked to talk, in person. Gosh you don't know how nervous I was to be, so vulnerable. I was used to having a huge brick wall that prevented me from saying what I had in mind, and to think that those three words you said, just destroyed everything that I built. And now that It's destroyed, you could see the things that I had been hiding behind those walls for so many years, which were my feelings for you.

Our first month together was a disaster but in a good type of way. It was awkward because we have been friends for so long that the thought of being together just doesn't seem real, it didn't set in. But of course, as people say, it was a blessing in disguise. We started opening up with each other, we got comfortable with each other's presence without even talking but this time, with the idea of being comfortable together as partners.

I remembered that one time I was poking on your hand and you took mine and placed it over yours. I remembered the butterflies in my stomach, the speed of my heartbeat, and the screams in my head.

To this day, I still blame the pandemic for our first break-up. If only, this stupid pandemic doesn't exist. If only we could go to school and see each other everyday. If only we could celebrate our birthdays together in person and not through this stupid screen where we only text a few words and go on with our lives.

Speaking of birthdays, it's funny isn't it? We celebrated your birthday together, twice in a row. However, we missed my birthday, twice in a row.

But it's okay, though I would be lying when I say I don't really care that we didn't celebrate together. Which hurts, not a lot but it still does.

Three.

Three times you broke my heart.

Finding out that you were planning to "talk" to your best friend's ex. Which I shouldn't be worried about really, because you were planning to when we weren't together the first time.

To be the last person to know about what you did before breaking up with me through instagram DMs . Why am I the last person to know about it? And with the same person too? I really thought you've changed. But I defended you, telling the person who told me that "It was months ago, I'm sure he changed" But did you?

Ah. The last thing you did before I decided that it's too much for me to handle, it might not be a big deal for the audience that have been watching what we're going through. But for me, it was a sign for me to stop it all.

You took the last pieces left, it was so fragile that this small incident had entirely shattered everything. Everything that I've protected for the right person, and I gave it to you.

For the past 5 months, I convinced myself that if I keep myself busy with catching up on my friends and also the people around me, I would be okay. It worked at first, getting distracted, it stopped myself from thinking about what we were. But when I'm alone with my own thoughts, without my friends screaming into my ears, I would always find myself listening to songs-that-i-find-sad-which-isn't-happier-by-Olivia-Rodrigo, don't judge me because that's how I coped. Well, turns out it was just my brain feeding on the lies I believed.

As a person, I forgive you as there might be a reason why you did it. But I can't and I won't forget your actions. I won't forget how much it took a toll on me. I won't forget how unhealthy you were for my mental state.

I still miss you even after what happened, but it dawned on me how unrealistic it was to imagine being together once again. Not in this timeline, not in this world, and surely not in another world. Although I have a huge hatred towards this phrase, there's nothing that I can say other than, thank you for everything, well no- let me rephrase that.

Thank you for giving me a part of your time, thank you for being a part of my life, thank you for the way you took care of me before, thank you for the words you gave me when I was on the brink of ending it all. You may have broken my heart three times, but our relationship revolved around more than just breaking my heart, you did so many good things to me, more than the bad things you did, which automatically cancels them all out. Heck, even I made mistakes throughout the whole thing and yet you never failed to forgive.

I forgive you.

Ending this relationship is like ending a good show or even a good book. I was so caught up on what will happen next in our story that I didn't realize that it was ending. It was a bittersweet feeling, closing the book of many good memories and inside jokes, but I know I'm still going to read this book again in the future, not as the character but as a reader.

A friend,

jyeons