Series of Hate

34. Internal battles

NSFW ⚠️ Warning

This chapter took a lot longer than usual as it is double length but I hope you enjoy it anyways.

I awoke to complete darkness, the lamp had been blown out and the blinds were drawn. Encasing the room in a rare stillness. The sheets felt soft against my skin and my now fixed side was only a faint throbbing sensation.

The haze of sleep had not yet been lifted off of my thoughts until the chatter of teeth startled me from my composed being. I was instantly transported back into all of my worries and shot up into a sitting position, clasping the sheets against my chest.

Curled up on the hard wooden floor was Conan, the only form of comfort being the tired rug and pillow  that lay at the end of the bed beneath him. Despite being asleep his body shook continuously as he only wore a pair of pants. The new set of bandages wrapped around his torso had already been stained red and his toned arms clasped around his body for heat. Blue tinted moonlight crept through the blinds, lighting up the two now cold mugs of tea that lay beside his balled body.

Looking at the vulnerable image I almost felt sorry for the man. He had willingly slept on the floor and had left me to rest. Guilt took over my thoughts and actions, it silenced any rational idea and urged me forward. One moment I embracing the warm, sheets and the next I was getting out of the bed with my duvet.

I stood before him, with the duvet in hand debating on what action to take next. His eyes we tightly shut, a slight look of pain played along his furrowed brow and before I could talk myself out of it I draped the bedsheet over his body, hoping it would at least add the smallest amount of comfort.

I covered his body from the shoulders down, the sight surprisingly missed once gone, the tensed expression he had held instantaneously relaxed into a peaceful tranquility. Returning back to bed I tiptoed quietly, so as to not be caught in the act of actually aiding the so called man. I lay back down on the now cold bed with no duvet to cover my own body, relieved Conan wasn't a light sleeper.

A cold draft roamed the room, sending shivers to ascend my spine. This numb feeling prevented me from falling back asleep, I tossed and turned, attempting to find comfort and heat alone but as time passed it only grew colder and my urge to grab the duvet back from Conan doubled.

Endless solutions roamed my mind, it was a simple act but it rattled all calmness that occupied my head. Just join him Sayla. I coaxed myself as if it was just as easy as simply stating it and following it through.

I would gladly freeze to death rather than be caught any closer to that man than necessary. He represented every quality I hated in a person, he held no remorse, no kind smile or even a pinch of kindness but yet I never dismissed the option.

Like a hidden desire I needed to be closer to him.

It was now highlighted in my mind on repeat. Go and join him. I was on the verge of bursting , my conscience was a battle field, arrows from both points of view being shot at the same time and colliding in the middle. GO AND JOIN HIM.

It played on loud speakers in my head from the dark corners of my thoughts. Releasing a final breath I sucked up my embarrassment and resentment and rose from the now freezing bed.

Each step shook me, my hands had broken into an awful sweat and my stomach was a tight knot. I was nervous.

What was happening to me it's only Conan, I could kill the man if I really wanted to.

Standing before him again my arms were a series of goosebumps, he looked so peaceful alone but I had already come this far so I climbed quietly beneath the duvet, placing my pillow beside his. The heat hit me immediately, releasing any built tension and my erratic heart but still I kept my distance, my back was to Conan and I made sure no contact was made.