15&BelowAverage

The Weakness of a Human Being

-I'm not pretty enough like most girls so when high school ends, I'll be all alone and I wouldn't have a lover or anyone to share my bills/stress/etc with and depend on... and I'm not like my older siblings who do all these amazing things, I'm not special in the least so the pressure of needing to be something worth the title of being a human being

-I just can't live alone, I can't do anything at all by myself, I'm really scared, and I hate myself for it...

-I'm stupid as shit so I can't depend on my grades to go to college and get a good job to survive... and I'm literally failing like everything so I'm not gonna pass and it'll make me feel so much worse, I don't even know what to do with myself...

-I can't even see myself as a grown up because I know I'll kill myself before I get there... I can guarantee that I'm not even gonna live anywhere near past graduation... and my depression and anxiety are making it so much worse every second I have to fucking live

-I'm literally a useless person to both myself and society so I really should just die... like my friends might be like oh we love you, but that doesn't help I honestly don't give a shit who would miss me, I'll only just be a memory for them for a little while but they'll move on in life

-It's not that I'm afraid to die, I'm afraid of what's after it... Like I really have a hard time believing in god and stuff but what if it's real? what if I go to hell and it's so much worse... Or what if there's nothing at all and I'm just in this blank space that's darker than black place of complete nothingness? or something that our human minds can't even make up or comprehend because it's that horrifying........... And by the time we find out the truth to this, it'll be too late obviously since we died and we would be stuck with the thing we fear most out of these thoughts which leaves us with indescribable fear

-And I never tell anybody because they're always telling everybody about how instead they're suicidal to get attention and throw a fucking pity party for themselves but they actually have it so easy and much better... it really pisses me the fuck off, like be happy your parents practically spoil and love you, be happy you even have parents to begin with and get over yourself

-And it doesn't help when friends say, 'No your pretty!' or 'Just be happy!' when they find out, it doesn't make me feel better, it's actually making me feel worse... or the worst is when you finally trust someone enough to even try to tell them the truth of your feelings and they get all, 'Wow you just want attention' and become judgmental that's why I don't ever fucking tell anybody how I feel... and I literally always be nice to the people that just rant about their lives like I actually give two fucks

-I remember even when I was little I would have suicidal thoughts... I just straight up knew I was a fuck up who wouldn't get anywhere in life... just an average waste of human life... I'm not even joking, I never told anyone but I always planned out my life like this: I would get out of high school work and save money for a gun and shoot myself, it was simple and easy until I found out the beautiful magic of just simple Tylenol that could be bought at a fucking Walmart/HEB/etc but thats just more trouble and there's a chance I can be saved but I think I know a way to stop that from happening

-I honestly don't give a shit if anyone actually did care if I died, like I have absolutely no fucks to give because most of the people who cry over other's deaths jut cry for their own attention it makes me sick that my mother is one of those people, she still uses my fathers death as an excuse for attention, that damn fucking whore

-When people tell you encouraging things, the only reason they say it is to make themselves feel better, like they feel as if they did their 'job' of being a human being to satisfy the mental need to satisfy their own psychologic