Ikaw Na Lang Ulit

1

JIA

"BEA!"

I woke up in the middle of the night, screaming her name again. It has been reoccuring since I broke up with her many months ago.

I cradled myself as I lay back on my bed, crying, which keeps happening almost every night. This has become a torture, like a punishment for what I did. I never wanted to end it. I never wanted to hurt my love. I love her more than anything. I love her so much, it's hurting me.

I wish had enough freedom. I wish I could take my words back. I wished the whole world wasn't against us.

I wish I could disappear right now.

I felt lost since that night, parang wala ng direksyon ang mga araw ko mula nang hiwalayan ko siya. I don't understand why can't my parents just let us be. We're not doing anything wrong, nagmahal lang naman ako.

Defending Bea was a constant battle between me and my parents every single day. There wasn't a day where I can rest from hearing crushing words, mostly coming from my Dad. Mom would try to understand, I know she does but can't bring herself to speak for me. I end up having to defend our relationship behind closed doors on my own, sometimes losing my temper and bursting helplessly in front of them.

It was okay because Bea was there to comfort me, present or not. Nandyan siya lagi para damayan ako, buong tapang rin niyang hinaharap ang magulang ko tuwing nandito siya sa bahay. She openly defended us while remaining respectful with her words.

Between us two, she was the calm one.

Bea has this effect that I feel less tired, less frustrated, and doubtful about our situation. She'd assure me that everything will be okay and positively thinks we'd make it through. Ni minsan hindi ko siya narinig magreklamo or magsabi na nahihirapan na siya. She uplifts and makes me happy all the time. She makes sure I don't overthink too much. Ganoon niya ako kamahal, at siguradong-sigurado siya sa akin.

Bea is my everything.

But she's gone now.

My cries became more audible as I am enveloped with this harsh reality. I can't take her back that easily even if I wanted to. I tore her apart and I cannot look into her eyes without shedding a tear or breaking down inside. After seeing Bea give her all to me and for me, I broke her heart. That's fucked up and exactly how messed up I am.

I grabbed our framed picture that is placed on my bedside table and traced Bea's face with my fingers. I bring it close to my lips as I cried out all the pent up emotions I had inside.

"I-I'm sorry..." I wept while hugging that very last picture I have with her, taken during our anniversary.

This is only thing that keeps me from losing myself, no matter how many times my Dad pressured me into throwing it away. I can't let go of her, I don't think I'd succeed in doing so. I'd go insane if my parents decide to ravage through everything that Bea gave and take it away.

From being strangers to lovers and back to strangers again. Funny how I lost the love of my life in just one year. I lost the only person who loved and understood me so deeply. The one who helped me accept who I am despite being surrounded by detractors. The one who brought color into my life and made me feel complete.

"I l-love you, babe. I miss you. I'm s-sorry." I whispered and cried myself back to sleep.

MONTHS passed and we are now on the later part of 2016. Almost a year and a half since that dreaded day and it still hurts like yesterday. I managed to live through the pain of my decision but I'm nowhere near my old self. I'm stuck in this endless loop of regretting, grieving and longing for her.