My Fiancees Wedding

Goodbye

Standing just behind Mia, who was being read her vows, I was feeling pretty on edge. Not just because I was getting stared at by everyone before the priest even opened his mouth, but for other reasons.

One was the fact that Mia's soon to be husband Jake wouldn't stop looking at me with his dark intimidating eyes. Not just simply looking though, it was more like glaring at me, but it was more than understandable. Mia, spoiled as always, had taken it upon herself to do something unheard of. As soon as she reached the altar she grabbed my hand and held it tightly, me thinking it was due to nerves. Though I tried to slip my hand away she jolted me forward, causing me to bump into her. I took a step back but continued to hold her hand, not wanting to make a bigger scene.

Jake was obviously upset but if he knew Mia well enough he knew there was nothing he could say that would make her stop. So with his glares, I did my best not to make eye contact with him, but it didn't feel right to hold my head low or look to the side when such an important thing was being held.

The other thing that had me feeling uncomfortable was the fact that Jake's best man was actually the stranger who I had slept with not too many hours prior. He too would not stop looking at me, and oddly enough he was also glaring at me, though I had no idea why he would. Many things crossed my mind.

I sucked in bed and he was mad about it.

I was ruining the groom's day by holding the hand of his soon to be wife.

Maybe I was uglier than he had expected and it irritated him when he saw me in real light.

Maybe I was younger than he thought, I mean I still had two more days until I was officially an adult.

Maybe it was because I was a man standing up there as a bridesmaid and it disgusted him.

No matter what it was though, I didn't know how to look at him. I had to deal with two men apparently being bothered by me and probably ended up looking like a freak who was looking in every direction trying not to look at either of them. I wasn't shaking my head around or anything to that extent but my eyes were shifting often and if someone looked at me long enough I'm sure they would have thought there was something wrong with me.

Mia finally said the words "I do" but still she held my hand.

Still holding my hand, Mia and her husband did the final kiss and once their lips separated she released my hand and placed hers on her husband's arm.

I then understood what she was doing, she wasn't doing it because she was nervous, it was her way of saying goodbye. We were engaged for nearly nine years and she held on to me until the very last second, until she was officially without a doubt someone else's.

Claps filled the room and the bride and groom made their way down the aisle and Mia for the first time, left me without saying a word or even looking back. She had left me.

Even though I didn't love her sexually nor did I have any inclinations that I ever wanted to, I felt as though I had lost a piece of me. I was happy for Mia, very happy for her. She finally got what she really wanted and deserved, and I was free of the guilt of betraying her for years. Though I should have been relieved, I stressed over the thought of what I was supposed to do next. My future had been set in front of me for a long time and then in that moment, my future was unclear and I felt lost in a way.

"Don't cry, you may be a bridesmaid but you're a man." The best man said standing beside me. "Did you love her?"

"I did." I felt my eyes starting to hurt and I knew I would most likely cry soon, just like a girl. "I really did love her but I would never have been able to give her what she truly wanted." I gave a small laugh. "I fell in love with a woman, but I only want the comfort of a man."

Not wanting to make a bigger scene I started for the back room. The stranger grabbed my hand and looked at me sympathetically.

"Just leave me alone for awhile please." I said lightly.

He did as I said and in that back room I cried like a girl, hating myself for being who I was. After completely gathering my composure I went home, ready to sleep for the rest of the day. I skipped out on the rest of the ceremony, not telling anyone that I was leaving.