Is not this something more than fantasy? || ashvain

1- the abyss of truth

I've never really been in love before. Neither have I ever questioned what I'm attracted to. Doing that is weird. I am weird. I didn't think enrolling at the Officer's Academy would make me think about this kind of stuff, but... it did. And a lot, too.

I guess it's not the monastery's fault.

It's his.

At the entrance ceremony he had arrived late, holding the hand of some female student. As he sat down on his designated seat he winked at the girl. For some reason, that motion made my heart beat just a little faster. I quickly brushed it off as me being nervous, but...

No. No buts. Don't think like that, Ashe.

I haven't spoken to him at all yet, except during self-introductions for our class. That was a couple weeks ago, and to me, that's all good. In fact, I'm glad he hasn't made an effort to strike up a conversation with me. He seems like a sketchy type, like someone you shouldn't get close to if you want to become a great knight. Though I really shouldn't judge people before I got to know them, I suppose.

I had asked my professor for permission to use the greenhouse during my free hours, and she said it was alright. That's where I am now, planting some seeds Lord Lonato had given to me as a gift when I told him I was enrolling here. I had always loved gardening. I smile a little as I place an extra big seed in the hole I had dug up.

"Hey, Ashe. Whatcha doing?" Suddenly an unknown, deep voice spoke to me. I jump up to my feet and turn around, to see him.

Sylvain Jose Gautier, or apparently the man with the most quiet footsteps ever. How did he get so close to me without making a sound? And more importantly, why? His face is so close to mine, and I don't think any battle could make my heart beat faster than it is. No, don't think that. It's bad. He just startled me, that's all.

"Wh-why are you so close all of a sudden?" Is all I can choke out. Agh, what's wrong with me? Sylvain moves back a little, and gives me space to breathe freely. "Dunno, felt like it. What, is there anything wrong with that?" I don't think anyone who's not a family member has been this close to me before, so whatever this guy is doing is totally weird. There's definitely something wrong with it.

I can't tell him, though. That would be rude, and no proper knight would behave like that. So I just look away. I'm probably blushing, too. This is embarrassing. He probably thinks I'm weird. Am I? Im definitely acting weird right now. I shake my head, intending to nod. I can't think of a verbal reply to his question. "Uh, um? Well, i- ah-" Why was this guy making me panic this much? I've never felt anything similar.

Is there really a problem, though? I feel totally fine for the most part-

No I don't. I've got to walk away from this situation fast.

"I-I've got to get back to my room now, it's getting really late! Ahaha, um, I'll see you in class tomorrow! B-bye!" I say quickly making my way out of the greenhouse. "But it's only five, and tomorrow is Sunday..." I hear him mumble from behind me. I messed up!

I'm back in my room now, all because of Sylvain. When I was still undisturbed in the greenhouse I had noticed some of the flowers were wilting. If he hadn't appeared I would have been watering them right now. I'd love to go back, but what if he's still there? I don't wanna run into him again.

I think back on how close he was to me, and my heartbeat quickens a little. Why? Why does it do that? It's just because I'm not used to people being that close to me.

...right?

Yes. Definitely right. I can't allow myself to think about this sort of stuff more. Stop it.
Lord Lonato has always told me not to. I need to stop overthinking this so much.

At the entrance ceremony my heart was beating because I was nervous. And today my chest felt tight because he startled me and I got scared. That's it. There's nothing more to it.

Nothing more at all.

That's three months ago now. Sylvain and I are friends now, I think. I don't find him as weird anymore, and we even hang out sometimes. Right now Professor Manuela is saying something about using magic as defense, but I can't focus because Sylvain keeps poking me. We switched seats yesterday, and I ended up with him. It's ok, but it would definitely be better if he stopped poking my back. He isn't poking me like he wants attention, so what does he want?

He suddenly pokes me really hard. Like, really hard. "Ouch!" I say, louder than I intended to. The professor turns to face us. "Is there anything wrong?" She asks. I can feel my face turning red. "Um, no, not really. Sylvain was poking me in the back, but I'm just fine other than that. Sorry." Is my answer. Gosh, why do I always get so embarrassed over simple situations like this?

Professor Manuela nods and continues her lecture, and I sigh. It's just like Sylvain, embarrassing people publicly like that. I don't really get him sometimes. "Alright everyone, write this down. It's going to be very important. When you're done writing you've all got free time, so make sure to do something fun, ok?"  The classroom is filled with rustling as everyone takes their notebooks out. I don't hear anything from Sylvain, though? I turn my head up to look at him and-

He's staring at me? And he's completely dazed? What's he doing!?

I wave my hand a little in front of his face. "Um, Sylvain? You have to get out your notes. We're supposed to uh, write this down and-"

He doesn't budge. He just keeps staring at me?
I lift up my finger and poke his nose. All of a sudden he shakes his head.  "Oh, sorry. I didn't get much sleep tonight, was too busy with some visitors, you know? Haha!" He laughs awkwardly and looks away from me. But... is that a faint blush I see on his face!? Wait... is he...?

No, he is not. Sylvain is normal, and so am I. He's just embarrassed because he was caught zoning out in class by a friend. That's all, and there's no deeper meaning behind it. Just embarrassment.

I am embarrassed too, though. So I turn my head away from him as well, feeling my face get red once again. That's two times today. Seriously, what is up with me nowadays? No, I'm gonna stop thinking about that for now. No more. I copy the text on the blackboard into my book and close it, ready to leave.

And Sylvain is still zoning out. This is VERY unlike him. Like, so unlike him that I'm starting to get a little worried by now. I poke him in the back nearly as hard as he poked me, and he nearly jumps out of his chair. "Ah! Sorry, didn't mean to yell. Oops, haha!" He laughs that awkward laugh again and pats the back of his head. "It's fine, just make sure to write that down." I say and point at the blackboard. He gives me a thumbs up and a smirk in response.

That was better, he seemed like himself now. That mischievous smirk that he almost always wore, the one that looked so nice on his face...

It did NOT look nice on his face. No.

I freeze for a second, and suddenly I've lost all ability to speak. "Ah, well, uh, I better get- I better get going now, so um. I'll see you tomorrow! I think, I don't know- uh, bye!" I quickly excuse myself from the classroom and hurry straight to my room. I lock the door and sit right down on my bed. Sylvain, I'm sorry if I made stuff awkward! I'm just...

I'm someone I don't like, I think.